A brah's epic battle against nature.

Posts tagged “termites

Today in F-You Nature: Termites


If Donnie, my retarded neighbor, was a termite, this is what he'd look like.

Hey guys, sorry about my AWOL-ness…I was hanging out in Jamaica for awhile, cause I’m a badass, and between that and nonstop homework, I haven’t had time to write much for Brah Vs. Nature, sadly.  I’m pretty much caught up on homework and papers and other scholastic cockery (at least until tomorrow) so I thought I’d try and lay some hate down tonight.  I’ll also post some pictures that I took while I was creating the BVN live-action hate videos, which are terrible so they won’t see the glowing happiness of internet glory.  But some of the pictures are cool.  For example, I made a bleeding vagina out of a hamburger bun and some ketchup, hung it on a cardboard Justin Bieber that I made, and then kicked the shit out of it.  “How could that be bad,” you ask?  Well, I’m not pretty enough to be in movies, first off.  Second, I feel that I convey my hatred better with writing than spoken word.  Third, I am a perfectionist, and at the start of each video, I was taking a 40oz canned Pabst Blue Ribbon to the head.  Doing it once is hard enough, fucking up in the middle of it, or if my camera fell or something, and then having to do it again…well I was basically drinking myself retarded before the fucking video even started.  BUT I digress.  Let’s talk about termites and why they’re assholes.

When I was in Jamaica, my friend TJ posted on my Facebook page that a termite bit him.  Now, I didn’t know that termites bit people, I thought they stuck to eating wood, but it got me to thinking…BEFORE the incident, TJ and I played the game “Words With Friends”, and he’d constantly beat me, but not like he is now.  This motherfucker destroys me by like 300 points a game now, leading me to believe that the termite gave him powers – some kind of termite hive mind shit – and that pisses me right the fuck off.  (Basically I’m going to blame termites for this TJ.  Same with you Tara, Nick, and recently Kelly, you brilliant termite sons of bitches) I SWEAR TO GOD I USED TO BE GOOD AT SCRABBLE.  Fuck.  Whatever, I’m a wordsmith.  I don’t need to win a stupid game.

Aside from bestowing my friends with brain dictionaries, termites are assholes.  They eat some crops, and fuck with water reserves by digging under them in some places of the world, but termites suck mostly because they EAT YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.  If you live in a wooded area, and you have a log cabin or a wood structure house, you might as well just burn that son of a bitch down right now, because at least you’ll take out some of the billions of termites living in it before they devour it.  Termites fly around, bang each other, find a place to dig a hole, and then start a family.  They then send members of that family out to steal shit to expand their living quarters – basically they’re New Jersey Italians.  They chew up wood and drywall and stuff, take it back to their house and puke it up to make the floors and walls of extra rooms so they have more places to cram their baby termites into.  Some of their houses end up hanging from trees like beehives and nests, but the ones that really concern me are the giant, dick shaped houses that they make, jutting out of the ground to point straight in the air at the glowing baby Jesus.  Talk about the ultimate insult.  They’re eating your house, puking it up, and molding it into a giant dick-house.  That’s some bullshit right there.

Some scientists say that their natural recycling is important to the world’s eco-system for some stupid reason…something about fossil fuels or whatev.  And I guess in places like Central Africa and Indonesia, people eat’em like popcorn.  But to me, termites are just tiny used condom-looking assholes that eat your house, flip off God, and make all of my friends smarter than me.

Fuck you, nature.