A brah's epic battle against nature.

Posts tagged “rednecks

Today in F-You Nature: Mississippi

This must be the inside of a rich person's house in Biloxi

When I was 19 I had just joined the military.  I got through boot camp with no problems, and just graduated into my tech school at Keesler AFB, MS.  I was pretty stoked about getting back to semi-humanity again.  I mean, there was still marching to class and uniform inspections, but at least I got to watch tv when I was off…Shit, at least I GOT days off.  Anyways, I was brand new to my flight, and I had a roommate that happened to be on the opposite sleeping schedule as me.  Being the new guy, I tried really hard to be courteous and not wake him up.  I would always be out of the room when he was sleeping, and I had my alarm clock set to a low volume, that kinda thing.  One night I was sleeping, and suddenly my alarm went off and it was the loudest fucking thing ever.  I don’t think my roommate was in the room at the time, but since I had tried so hard for so long to keep it quiet when he might be sleeping, my badass natural instinct kicked in and I was all over my alarm clock trying to turn it off.  No matter what button I pressed, the alarm wouldn’t stop.  Eventually I took the batteries out, ripped it out of the wall, and smashed it against the floor with retard strength.  It was only then that I realized that there were lights flashing around my room – it was the goddamn fire alarm.  Apparently lightning hit the building, since lightning does that kind of clever bullshit in Mississippi, and set the fire alarms off, which in turn, transformed me into an asshat.  Well played, nature.   You owe me an alarm clock.

Anyways, the best thing about having my semi-freedom back was that I could talk to the ladies again.  The secret was to find a chick that wasn’t in your flight, so that you didn’t have to see her all the time.  I know, it’s fucked up, but I was 19 and awesome so shut your face.  ANYWAYS, I met a chick named Ashley, which under normal conditions would’ve been unacceptable because my sister is named Ashley, but at the time I was able to see past the name – mostly due to the fact that I couldn’t remember it for the first 3 weeks that we were “dating”.  I use the term loosely, because really all we did was make out in the bushes next to some hillbilly motherfucker’s swamp house, and then go eat Popeye’s chicken.  Don’t worry, I have a great reason to remember her crazy ass now.  It was the perfect situation, because her tech school was only like a month long or something, so she’d get shipped out of there before she annoyed me too much.  So, her class graduates, and we’re “celebrating” in a bush next to the golf course, when randomly, she asks me to marry her.  Are you goddamn kidding me?!  Bitch I can’t even remember your name!  I had been calling her “hey” and “you”, and I think I might’ve called her “tits vanderboob” or something awesome like that a couple times.  ALL OF THAT CHARM WAS WASTED.  Argh.  So I calmly dropped that 105LB basket of whore in the bushes and scampered off like a motherfucking space gazelle into the night.

Probably a month later, still in tech school, I was talking to this guy in my class about words that sound like funny things.  I said “masticate”, which means “to chew”.  Suddenly, some chick that I didn’t know jumps out of the ceiling or from under the table or wherever the fuck she was hiding like a goddamn ninja and goes to find my instructor and tell him that I was sexually harassing her.  I explained my situation, but me telling the instructor that she wasn’t nearly hot enough for me to sexually harass wasn’t a good defense, and I was held back a fucking month.  Goddammit.


NOW that I had a month extra in Mississ-fucking-ippi, I decided to go see some friends of mine that live in Georgia during a 4-day weekend.  I didn’t have a car at the time, so I found some Greyhound bus tickets for cheap.  Unfortunately the bus didn’t leave until like 1AM, so I was sitting at the bus station in the middle of the night in the ghettos of Biloxi.  I was minding my business, when some guy sits down next to me.  He starts telling me all about how he was just released from jail and how bad of a motherfucker he is, and how I should probably give him some money. So, naturally, my mouth starts working faster than my brain, and I start talking shit to him.  Something about him being a hobo that looks like Bert from Sesame Street rolled around in HIV, acne, and duck sauce.  He mentioned that it’s a bad part of town for a white boy, but when I pointed out that he was also white, he looked confused.  I don’t remember everything that we talked about.  I DO remember that I was pretty sure that I was about to get stabbed up at a fucking Greyhound bus station, which was not one of the badass ways that I had planned on dying.  Suddenly, some big ol fat chick comes bounding out of the shadows like the koolaid man and starts yelling at him about robbing people.  He starts yelling at her, blah blah.  Apparently, he was in jail for selling illegal motorized scooters or something stupid like that, I dunno.  They were yelling at each other like the angry beavers, so I left them to bitch at each other while I boarded the bus that was 45 minutes late.  Stupid fucking Mississippi.

I know, most of these things don’t seem like natural occurrences, but they are – Mississippi itself turns people fucking insane.  I don’t know if it’s the 100% humidity at 95 degrees, the polluted swamp water that people mix up their moonshine with, the fact that gonorrhea actually has legs, teeth, and a fucking nutsack chewing agenda there or what, but it’s fucked up for real.  I read a book onces about some kind of ancient evil living in some cave underground or something that turns people retarded, so it might be that.  I dunno.  All I know for sure is that there is nothing worth seeing in Mississippi, it’s basically a swamp filled with ugly chicks, fat guys that can’t read, and run-down casinos.  And ancient evil.  Whatev.

Fuck you, nature.

If you see this guy, don't buy a scooter from him.