A brah's epic battle against nature.

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Today in F-You Nature: Pollen


When I was a kid, my dad took me to get an allergy test done.  I don’t remember the details, but I DO remember that they put like 50 drops of different things that you could be allergic to on your back, and then prick you with a needle a bunch of times on said drops.  I was allergic to a bunch of shit, I don’t remember most of it which is probably not the best thing to forget, but I do remember that I’m allergic to pollen.  And I’m reminded every fucking time the wind blows in spring and summer.  Anyways, sometime after, I went with my 5th grade class (I think 5th grade?  Jesus Christ, my memory sucks worse than a deaf kid singing Miley Cyrus songs) to a place called “Camp Cooper”.  It was a 2 or 3 day gig at some little camp in the middle of the desert in Arizona, and it was pretty awesome.  Some gross lady was dissecting owl and bat turds to show us animal bones, we got to eat cactus fruit, and there was a bbq every night.  And then one night, some kid blew a handful of pollen from some shitty desert tree into my face.  Now, I don’t know what in the great blue fuck that little dildo was thinking, but getting hit by that shit felt like the equivalent of snorting goddamn SARS and herpes out of an anthill.  My face got all swollen and red and ended up looking like a scrotum, and I was itchier than the Pink Panther’s sex partners –  I assume his fur is made out of fiberglass insulation, yeah nevermind.  Anyways, that fucking sucked to say the least.  Luckily, the last day of that trip, I saw that little dickhole fall into a cactus.  Some people helped him, I mostly just laughed and pointed.  In fact, I still laugh about that when I’m having a bad day.  Little asshole.

Anyways, pollen is such bullshit, and here’s why:  Not only did nature engineer it to make human beings feel like they contracted the bubonic plague whenever it floats in our general vicinity, but it’s fucking plant sperm.  Holy shit, every single time your allergies are acting up, it’s because some tree blew his load and the wind smeared the money shot right into your face.  And what the fuck bees?  Bees roll around and get covered in plant jizz, and then take it back to their lair to share with their nasty-ass family.  Hey bee-kids, dad’s home and he brought some sperm for you TO EAT.  Jesus I’m so glad I’m not a bee.  Bees also carry pollen around to other plants for insemination or fertilization or whatever it’s called in the plant world, which in turn, breeds more pollen when the plant drops off baby plants.  Yeah I’m not a scientist, so I don’t know or care how that shit works, but I do know that pollen sucks, allergies suck, bees suck, and nature sucks for making human beings endure plant bukkake showers non-stop.

Fuck you, nature.

Look at this perv.

sorrrrry


Hey guys, I’ve been really busy studying for finals and shooting Brah Vs Nature videos, annnnd just found out that some dildo is trying to steal my identity, which is why I’ve been MIA for a couple weeks. I’ll try and make a post tonight/tomorrow, and then I’m going on vacation for a week.

Thanks for your patience, fuck you nature!

Your Brah

Today in F-You Nature: Seagulls


Damn, that seagull's got some sweet kicks, brah.

Seagulls are easily one of the most annoying creatures on the face of the planet.  Nature really painted a beautiful fucking picture of how you’re not supposed to act.  Do you remember way back in 4th grade, when there was that fat ginger kid that would never shut the fuck up?  No matter how many times you shot him with rubberbands and mocked him relentlessly for not having a soul (it’s common knowledge that gingers don’t have souls) – (except for Simon Pegg, but he cuts his hair short anyways)  that kid would just not shut his stupid mouth.  Everything that he had to say was wrong, he always said it too loud, AND he was always eating cheetos, then he’d try to touch you or something that you didn’t want fucked up with nasty-ass cheeto fingers.  THAT is the human version of a seagull.  You can never get away from seagulls if you live near the ocean, they just aren’t afraid of mankind.  Even if you get lucky and kill one with a rock or something, they’ll all scavenge around the corpse and cannibalize it, and then come back and fuck with your shit too.  I don’t know if they’re too stupid to not care that you just killed one of their family and then watched them eat it, or what the fuck is going on with them, but that’s how they roll.

The absolute worst thing about seagulls is that they are thieves.  I’ve seen a video once where a little girl was walking on the beach eating a sandwich or cracker or something, and a fucking seagull swooped down out of the air, blasted this child’s eardrums out with one of those screeches that sounds like a demon is getting run over by a dump truck, knocked the girl down and stole her meal.  The little girl was all traumatized and crying, and the seagull is just standing there next to her like a fucking douche eating her sammich and shitting at the same time, like he owned the place.  I mean, I’m glad the video was made, because it was hilarious, but still.  The boldness of that prick is what is really upsetting – Birds are supposed to be afraid of humans.  We eat birds all the time, but seagulls don’t give a shit.  To them we’re just a food delivery service that they can slap around, poop on, and then not pay.  IT’S LIKE WORKING FOR JULIA ROBERTS.

Even Disney hates seagulls, look at the one that was in “The Little Mermaid”.  I don’t remember his name, that wasn’t important to me when I saw the movie.  Flappy or something, I dunno.  The important thing about that bird was how goddamn stupid he was.  Case in point: “Dinglehopper”.  Bitch that’s not a dinglehopper, that’s a fork!  You’ve got the hottest mermaid in the ocean combing her hair with a goddamn fork because you’re such an asshole.  A fork that I’m sure some sailor used to eat a bunch of fish, too.  And “Snarfblat”?  Fuck why has no one killed and eaten you yet, Flappy the douchebag?  I mean, the mermaid is obviously a retard for listening to your bad advice, but you don’t have to be an asshole and keep giving it to her.  Whatev.  The lesson to be learned here is that seagulls are thieves, liars, and assholes that were put here on this earth by nature to shit all over your car and your dreams.

Fuck you, nature.

What a dick.

Today in F-You Nature: Flies


The Kardashian sisters

Goddammit, I should’ve put the fly-banging picture in last, because I can’t get it off of my screen while I’m writing this.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SOME HIPSTER DILDO THINKS THAT PICTURE IS ART?  Fucking gross.  I hope it haunts your dreams and scars your brain like it does mine.  Anyways, I hate flies.  They’re disgusting, annoying, dirty and contribute nothing good to the world – they’re basically the Kardashian family of the Animal Kingdom.

A long time ago, my family and I took a trip to New Mexico to visit some people.  I don’t remember how I’m supposed to know these people, but whatever, we were there and they owned a farm.  And it was pretty cool, I had never stayed on a real farm before.  I also got to see the Jetsons’ animated movie while I was there, which was obviously fuckin sweet.  The bad part about staying on a farm in New Mexico is the flies.  Jesus Christ, flies are like the official bird of that balls/grundle combopack of a state.  And it’s even worse on a farm.  A farm in New Mexico is basically where flies go to get drunk and film their amateur orgies.  Gross.  Anyways, the farmers had a cow, and the cow just had a baby, and I was explicitly told to NOT go into the cow pen to see the baby cow, because I would probably get trampled and gored.  So the next day, I jumped into the cow pen and was immediately chased out by the pissed off mother cow.  As I leapt back over the wooden fence like a fuckin gazelle, I swallowed a fly.  I didn’t realize what had happened at first, because I was still powered by adrenaline and badass survival instinct, but as blood slowly started seeping back into my brain, it occured to me that something flew into my mouth and hit the back of my throat, and as I looked around, all I could see was flies.  I was rightfully grossed out, and all of the “Rock-a-Dile Red” Kool-Aid in the world couldn’t fix me.

There are so many things that are terrible about flies.  First off, some of them bite you.  Horse flies can bite you hard enough that you bleed.  They’re the size of that flying, gold anal bead that Harry Potter chases in those movies, except with teeth.  Also, they eat shit.  OK, yeah.  There ya go.  They literally eat shit.  They love the stuff, they can’t get enough of it.  And when they’re done eating shit, they land on your food or face or some cherished item, and then puke all over it.  That’s what they do.  You think they’re just resting?  Fuck no, they are literally vomiting shit onto you.  That little stupid hand rubbing motion isn’t for cleanliness, it’s because they’re hatching maniacal plans between fits of barf.  And dear sweet baby Jesus in a leopard-print boy thong, they are annoying.  I once read somewhere that flies fly in some kind of retarded pattern that only makes sense to flies, and if you fuck up their flight path, they will leave you alone because they find a different pattern to fly in, I don’t know.  I do know that if you hit them really fucking hard with a fly swatter, pillow, brick, newspaper, phone book, or angry fist, they’ll leave you alone.

If all this isn’t enough to make you hate flies, then there is clearly something wrong with you.  Maybe your parents fed you paint chips and cat food for dessert or something, I dunno.  But like a porn star, I’ll finish strong:  Missy Elliot dressed up in some trash bags and rapped some terrible rap about being a fly in the mid 90’s.  Hannah Mon-goddamn-tana sang some hillbilly/pop bullshit about being a fly on the wall.  And one of the worst human beings to ever let live past the age of 11, Jeff Goldblum, was in a terrible movie about becoming a fly-man.  Jeff Goldblum:  The flyest Jew around.

Fuck you, nature.

Yes, Jeff Goldblum, I have the same reaction whenever I am forced to watch your movies, too.

 

Today in F-You Nature: Bears


Every summer when I was a kid, my family and I would go camping.  Generally we wouldn’t stay anywhere in particular for very long, just 1 stop per night kinda thing for a week or so.  I don’t remember where this particular incident happened, I’m thinking somewhere in New Mexico, which might be why I have such disdain for it, I dunno.  It doesn’t really matter.  New Mexico sucks, bears or not.  Don’t go there unless you like hayseeds and sodomy.  Anyways, one day, I get out of the tent and sit on the bench to eat some delicious Rice Krispies.  I was really groggy, but I remember my mom saying something to me about getting in the car.  I wasn’t paying attention – the only thing I was focused on at the moment was devouring my cereal before it got soggy.  Rice Krispies are notorious for going soggy really fast, and I’m not about to try and eat some flacid goddamn cereal.  I NEED THAT CRUNCH, SON!.  Yeah.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom grab my sister or brother or both and scamper up the hill to the car.  I’m thinking, “Oh that crazy mom and her crazy foot races.”  She’s yelling at me, and I’m drinking hot chocolate like the smug 8-year old asshole that I was.  Finally, after like 3 minutes of getting yelled at from the car, I turned around and what do I see?  A bear standing behind me.  A motherfucking bear.  I’d like to think that I did something awesome, like kick the bear in his stupid, bare bear (heh) nutsack and then jump on his back while he’s doubled over and gouge his eyes out with my thumbs, but really, I think I probably just shit and peed on myself.  I ran up to the car like a fucking Kenyan olympic athlete, and looked down only to see that giant, hairy dildo eating my rice krispies and drinking my hot chocolate!  WHAT THE FUCK NATURE.  You send your caveman looking associate to scare the puberty out of a kid, and then make him watch while he has his meal eaten RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE?  Just thinking about it makes me want to go burn down a forest or Build-A-Bear store in the mall or something.

Bears are big and strong and ferocious and blah blah whatever, I’m not going to spew anymore redeeming qualities for bears.  I’m just trying to explain why humans feel the need to honor them with cartoon characters and cereal mascots and shit.  Well, here is a list of stupid bear characters and why they’re stupid.  1- Yogi and Boo-Boo.  In a parallel dimension, I would probably like Yogi a lot, because I’m all for the stealing of peoples lunches.  But a bear stole my fucking breakfast, and I just can’t look past the similarities.  So fuck Yogi.  And Boo-Boo was worse, always naysaying and being a little dickface.  2- Winnie the Pooh.  Winnie the Pooh was mentally retarded.  And I have no problems with the handicapped, I really don’t.  I DO, however, have a problem with the fact that Winnie the Pooh always made his friends help him out of the most ridiculous predicaments EVERY SINGLE DAY.  All for honey.  How many times does a retard get stuck in something before you put a leash and a bell on it?  I’d say twice, but whatever.  I’m not a doctor.  3-  Baloo.  Baloo was ok when he was singing “The Bear Necessities” with that little mud-dwelling hobo Mogli, but then he got a Disney spinoff, “Tale Spin”.  The only time it’s acceptable for a bear to be flying is if he’s shot out of a cannon.  4- That motherfucking “Snuggle” laundry detergent bear.  WHAT ARE YOU, MALE OR FEMALE?  I don’t need some tranny telling me to wash my clothes.  5- Kuma, from the Tekken video games.  You’re a goddamn bear, stop doing kung-fu and fucking eat somebody, you 2000 lb dancing bag of dingleberries.

There are so many more bear icons that I hate, like the demon-possessed doll Teddy Ruxpin or the fucking Coca-Cola bears, but…I feel like I should mention the only bear on this list that is a fucking badass – BEAR TAINTPUNCHING GRYLLS.  Bear Grylls is the goddamn man.  He can basically overcome any obstacle AND HE BATTLES NATURE EVEN THOUGH HE WAS NAMED AFTER IT.  That’s like the ultimate slap in the face right there.  Bear Grylls will eat a raw monkey eyeball, scrub his scrotum with a sponge he made out of a pinecone and some mermaid hair, sleep on a bed of poisonous honey badgers, make a weapon out of the bones out of some wild animal he conquered, and then defy gravity and jump off of a cliff to safety.  How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?  AS MANY AS HE FUCKING WANTS TO.

Fuck yeah Mr. Grylls.  And fuck you, nature.

You don't fuck with Bear Goddamn Grylls.

 

Today in F-You Nature: Wind


Look at this douche.

There are so many things about the wind that I hate that I actually had to make a list so I wouldn’t forget that I hated them.  The wind…*puts on sunglasses, slowly*…blows.  *Cue CSI theme music*.  It’s never there when you need it, which is why everyone in America owns at least 1 fan, and it’s always there when it’s not wanted.  See every tornado, hurricane, tsunami, or sandstorm in the history of time.  Growing up in Tucson, there is probably 5 months out of every year that the wind isn’t terrible, and even then it’s still not pleasant.  It starts getting hot in Tucson in late February and continues being hot until the end of September.  Hot wind blowing in your face is basically the equivalent of staring directly into the toaster while it’s on.  Your eyes start to shrivel like sun-dried tomatoes and you immediately get thirstier than one of those camel riding fuckers in the Sahara.  Also, bad things always happened to me when the wind was blowing hard in Tucson.  When I was younger I had some pretty majestic hair.  It was all Jonathan Taylor Thomas minus the highlights.  THE LADIES SWOONED FOR IT.  But seriously, it was some good hair.  The problem with having the majestic locks of a Bronze Lion-God JTT in Tucson is that my head always got really fucking hot, and when the wind blew, for some goddamn terrible reason, bees would get thrown off of their flight path and get tangled in my it.  Bees.  Apparently bees think that they need to sting something when they’re stuck in hair, which is bullshit because I wasn’t happy about them being there in the first place.  Stupid assholes.  So I’m blaming the wind for bee stings, too.  In Tucson dust devils are also frequent.  If you don’t know what a dust devil is, it’s basically a 2-foot tall tornado that lasts all of 13 seconds, and they seem really awesome until they pelt your car with gravel, or fling a broken piece of cactus into the back of your leg like a fucking blowdart.

Wind is also the reason why some pretty shitty forms of math exist.  There is a different equation to figure out wind speed, wind chill, wind energy power, wind vector, wind drag, thermal wind, wind speed rating for fucking tents, etc.  I could go on, but just thinking about all the possible ways for me to fail numerically pisses me off.

\mathbf{v}_T = \frac{1}{f} \mathbf{k} \times \nabla_p ( \Phi_1 - \Phi_0 )

Yeah, that’s real.  I don’t even have any idea what that shit means or who the stupid asshole that came up with that is, but it just looks terrible.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think I can even pronounce half of the characters in that equation.  Vermont equals something multiplied by some fucked up pyramid and a couple Downs Syndrome looking zeros.  It pisses me off to think that our badass troops in the American military have to figure out equations to battle the wind while they’re shooting Al-Qaedas and shit, but they always get the job done, that bitch Nature can’t stop them.

Finally, when I was a kid, I used to play a video game called “Final Fantasy 3”.  That shit was badass, except for 2 things: 1) Some of your enemies were only weak against wind, which is bullshit because what the fuck does that even mean, and 2) The only fucking wind-spell that I have is fucking “Tornado”, which kills my own guys!  Fuck.  Whatever, at least I have Sabin, that motherfucker MAKES WIND HAPPEN WITH HIS KILL-FISTS OF AWESOMENESS.

Fuck you, nature.

Look at this bullshit, IT'S ABOUT TO KILL YOUR DUDES.

Today in F-You Nature: Gravity


Gravity is a real bitch.  And not just because it teamed up with my one-time friend Alan in the whole “make-me-fall-out-of-a-tree-and-break-my-shit” debacle.  (See https://brahvsnature.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/today-in-f-you-nature-tree-sap/ for that ridiculous story.)  Gravity is a little something that I like to call an “invisibully” –  you can’t see it, but it’s constantly fucking humans up left and right.  Anytime you trip and make a fool of yourself in front of some hot piece of ladybutt, thank gravity.  Anytime a bird shits on you, a plane crashes, a baby falls down an elevator shaft, a mortar hits your house, Jesus reaches down and punches you in the forehead, you drop your keys down some fucking hole that happens to be the exact shape of your keys and nothing else in the world, thank gravity.  Do you know why you can’t fly?  Gravity.  There are so many reasons to hate gravity, but let me tell you the worst thing gravity has ever done to humanity – Saggy boobs.  I would rather have fallen out of that tree 1000 times than ever known the world of saggy boobs.

I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure I know how this works: Girls sprout their glory-lumps like awesome Chia pets at about 13 years old, and then immediately go into a struggle with gravity.  For years and years women fight a losing battle, using weapons manufactured by Victoria’s Secret (weapons that also make them wonderbra wearing liars – a fact that I’ve come to terms with, because it’s worth it to know that they’re fighting nature daily) only to eventually succumb to saggy boobness.  And women can’t be blamed for it, gravity never lets up on its iron grip.  The bigger the rack, the more gravity yanks on it, and the more likely the chick is to 2-step all over her nipples.  Giant, beautiful orbs made out of happiness and full of magical, rainbow-colored unicorn fur are transformed into something that looks like a pair of oversized twinkies filled with that slime that Nickelodeon shows used to make you look like an asshole if you failed a physical challenge back in the ’90’s.  I think it was called “Gak”, I can’t remember.  Either way, it sucks.

According to mathematicians and physicists and those kind of geniuses, Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, blah blah, gravity is actually something keeping humanity alive by not allowing Earth to go spiraling into the sun and burning to a crisp.  But that’s just a clever ruse.  I’m not sure why Isaac Newton is siding with gravity after he was hit in the face by an apple, sounds like a little bitch move to me, but whatever.  I’d much rather live in a world where women floated around frantically with perfect boobies, even only for a few minutes of gravity-less glory before skidding into the sun like a junebug into a bug-zapper, than in a world with banana shaped dangle tits, swinging around like fucking chest-scrotums.  Whatever, I’ll always love all boobs, and always hate all gravity.  And women, you all deserve medals for your constant struggle with nature.

Fuck you, Nature.

A green boob at age 50.