A brah's epic battle against nature.

bugs

Today in F-You Nature: Termites


If Donnie, my retarded neighbor, was a termite, this is what he'd look like.

Hey guys, sorry about my AWOL-ness…I was hanging out in Jamaica for awhile, cause I’m a badass, and between that and nonstop homework, I haven’t had time to write much for Brah Vs. Nature, sadly.  I’m pretty much caught up on homework and papers and other scholastic cockery (at least until tomorrow) so I thought I’d try and lay some hate down tonight.  I’ll also post some pictures that I took while I was creating the BVN live-action hate videos, which are terrible so they won’t see the glowing happiness of internet glory.  But some of the pictures are cool.  For example, I made a bleeding vagina out of a hamburger bun and some ketchup, hung it on a cardboard Justin Bieber that I made, and then kicked the shit out of it.  “How could that be bad,” you ask?  Well, I’m not pretty enough to be in movies, first off.  Second, I feel that I convey my hatred better with writing than spoken word.  Third, I am a perfectionist, and at the start of each video, I was taking a 40oz canned Pabst Blue Ribbon to the head.  Doing it once is hard enough, fucking up in the middle of it, or if my camera fell or something, and then having to do it again…well I was basically drinking myself retarded before the fucking video even started.  BUT I digress.  Let’s talk about termites and why they’re assholes.

When I was in Jamaica, my friend TJ posted on my Facebook page that a termite bit him.  Now, I didn’t know that termites bit people, I thought they stuck to eating wood, but it got me to thinking…BEFORE the incident, TJ and I played the game “Words With Friends”, and he’d constantly beat me, but not like he is now.  This motherfucker destroys me by like 300 points a game now, leading me to believe that the termite gave him powers – some kind of termite hive mind shit – and that pisses me right the fuck off.  (Basically I’m going to blame termites for this TJ.  Same with you Tara, Nick, and recently Kelly, you brilliant termite sons of bitches) I SWEAR TO GOD I USED TO BE GOOD AT SCRABBLE.  Fuck.  Whatever, I’m a wordsmith.  I don’t need to win a stupid game.

Aside from bestowing my friends with brain dictionaries, termites are assholes.  They eat some crops, and fuck with water reserves by digging under them in some places of the world, but termites suck mostly because they EAT YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.  If you live in a wooded area, and you have a log cabin or a wood structure house, you might as well just burn that son of a bitch down right now, because at least you’ll take out some of the billions of termites living in it before they devour it.  Termites fly around, bang each other, find a place to dig a hole, and then start a family.  They then send members of that family out to steal shit to expand their living quarters – basically they’re New Jersey Italians.  They chew up wood and drywall and stuff, take it back to their house and puke it up to make the floors and walls of extra rooms so they have more places to cram their baby termites into.  Some of their houses end up hanging from trees like beehives and nests, but the ones that really concern me are the giant, dick shaped houses that they make, jutting out of the ground to point straight in the air at the glowing baby Jesus.  Talk about the ultimate insult.  They’re eating your house, puking it up, and molding it into a giant dick-house.  That’s some bullshit right there.

Some scientists say that their natural recycling is important to the world’s eco-system for some stupid reason…something about fossil fuels or whatev.  And I guess in places like Central Africa and Indonesia, people eat’em like popcorn.  But to me, termites are just tiny used condom-looking assholes that eat your house, flip off God, and make all of my friends smarter than me.

Fuck you, nature.


Today in F-You Nature: Pollen


When I was a kid, my dad took me to get an allergy test done.  I don’t remember the details, but I DO remember that they put like 50 drops of different things that you could be allergic to on your back, and then prick you with a needle a bunch of times on said drops.  I was allergic to a bunch of shit, I don’t remember most of it which is probably not the best thing to forget, but I do remember that I’m allergic to pollen.  And I’m reminded every fucking time the wind blows in spring and summer.  Anyways, sometime after, I went with my 5th grade class (I think 5th grade?  Jesus Christ, my memory sucks worse than a deaf kid singing Miley Cyrus songs) to a place called “Camp Cooper”.  It was a 2 or 3 day gig at some little camp in the middle of the desert in Arizona, and it was pretty awesome.  Some gross lady was dissecting owl and bat turds to show us animal bones, we got to eat cactus fruit, and there was a bbq every night.  And then one night, some kid blew a handful of pollen from some shitty desert tree into my face.  Now, I don’t know what in the great blue fuck that little dildo was thinking, but getting hit by that shit felt like the equivalent of snorting goddamn SARS and herpes out of an anthill.  My face got all swollen and red and ended up looking like a scrotum, and I was itchier than the Pink Panther’s sex partners –  I assume his fur is made out of fiberglass insulation, yeah nevermind.  Anyways, that fucking sucked to say the least.  Luckily, the last day of that trip, I saw that little dickhole fall into a cactus.  Some people helped him, I mostly just laughed and pointed.  In fact, I still laugh about that when I’m having a bad day.  Little asshole.

Anyways, pollen is such bullshit, and here’s why:  Not only did nature engineer it to make human beings feel like they contracted the bubonic plague whenever it floats in our general vicinity, but it’s fucking plant sperm.  Holy shit, every single time your allergies are acting up, it’s because some tree blew his load and the wind smeared the money shot right into your face.  And what the fuck bees?  Bees roll around and get covered in plant jizz, and then take it back to their lair to share with their nasty-ass family.  Hey bee-kids, dad’s home and he brought some sperm for you TO EAT.  Jesus I’m so glad I’m not a bee.  Bees also carry pollen around to other plants for insemination or fertilization or whatever it’s called in the plant world, which in turn, breeds more pollen when the plant drops off baby plants.  Yeah I’m not a scientist, so I don’t know or care how that shit works, but I do know that pollen sucks, allergies suck, bees suck, and nature sucks for making human beings endure plant bukkake showers non-stop.

Fuck you, nature.

Look at this perv.


Today in F-You Nature: Flies


The Kardashian sisters

Goddammit, I should’ve put the fly-banging picture in last, because I can’t get it off of my screen while I’m writing this.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SOME HIPSTER DILDO THINKS THAT PICTURE IS ART?  Fucking gross.  I hope it haunts your dreams and scars your brain like it does mine.  Anyways, I hate flies.  They’re disgusting, annoying, dirty and contribute nothing good to the world – they’re basically the Kardashian family of the Animal Kingdom.

A long time ago, my family and I took a trip to New Mexico to visit some people.  I don’t remember how I’m supposed to know these people, but whatever, we were there and they owned a farm.  And it was pretty cool, I had never stayed on a real farm before.  I also got to see the Jetsons’ animated movie while I was there, which was obviously fuckin sweet.  The bad part about staying on a farm in New Mexico is the flies.  Jesus Christ, flies are like the official bird of that balls/grundle combopack of a state.  And it’s even worse on a farm.  A farm in New Mexico is basically where flies go to get drunk and film their amateur orgies.  Gross.  Anyways, the farmers had a cow, and the cow just had a baby, and I was explicitly told to NOT go into the cow pen to see the baby cow, because I would probably get trampled and gored.  So the next day, I jumped into the cow pen and was immediately chased out by the pissed off mother cow.  As I leapt back over the wooden fence like a fuckin gazelle, I swallowed a fly.  I didn’t realize what had happened at first, because I was still powered by adrenaline and badass survival instinct, but as blood slowly started seeping back into my brain, it occured to me that something flew into my mouth and hit the back of my throat, and as I looked around, all I could see was flies.  I was rightfully grossed out, and all of the “Rock-a-Dile Red” Kool-Aid in the world couldn’t fix me.

There are so many things that are terrible about flies.  First off, some of them bite you.  Horse flies can bite you hard enough that you bleed.  They’re the size of that flying, gold anal bead that Harry Potter chases in those movies, except with teeth.  Also, they eat shit.  OK, yeah.  There ya go.  They literally eat shit.  They love the stuff, they can’t get enough of it.  And when they’re done eating shit, they land on your food or face or some cherished item, and then puke all over it.  That’s what they do.  You think they’re just resting?  Fuck no, they are literally vomiting shit onto you.  That little stupid hand rubbing motion isn’t for cleanliness, it’s because they’re hatching maniacal plans between fits of barf.  And dear sweet baby Jesus in a leopard-print boy thong, they are annoying.  I once read somewhere that flies fly in some kind of retarded pattern that only makes sense to flies, and if you fuck up their flight path, they will leave you alone because they find a different pattern to fly in, I don’t know.  I do know that if you hit them really fucking hard with a fly swatter, pillow, brick, newspaper, phone book, or angry fist, they’ll leave you alone.

If all this isn’t enough to make you hate flies, then there is clearly something wrong with you.  Maybe your parents fed you paint chips and cat food for dessert or something, I dunno.  But like a porn star, I’ll finish strong:  Missy Elliot dressed up in some trash bags and rapped some terrible rap about being a fly in the mid 90’s.  Hannah Mon-goddamn-tana sang some hillbilly/pop bullshit about being a fly on the wall.  And one of the worst human beings to ever let live past the age of 11, Jeff Goldblum, was in a terrible movie about becoming a fly-man.  Jeff Goldblum:  The flyest Jew around.

Fuck you, nature.

Yes, Jeff Goldblum, I have the same reaction whenever I am forced to watch your movies, too.

 


Today in F-You Nature: Stinkbugs


When I first moved to Pittsburgh, I was really stoked about living in a place with rivers and hills and great scenery.  The weather is usually decent, and I enjoy living in a place that has 4-seasons.  There didn’t seem to be too much of a bug problem, or at least that’s what I thought.  Enter: the stinkbug.  When I first saw a stinkbug, I had no idea what it was.  I just noticed a gaggle of stupid, turd-looking bugs burning in my grill and didn’t really think anything of it, except that they had better not be exploding on whatever delicious animal I was planning on eating.  One of my dildo neighbors told me that they were baby praying mantis’.  Now, I’m not an entomologist, but I know what a fucking praying mantis looks like.  They’re green and they kinda dance and they have giant dick slappers.  Stinkbugs, on the other hand, look like flying hobos.  Whatever, the point is, nobody could tell me what the fuck they were.  I just knew that no matter what I did, I couldn’t keep them out of my house.

I tried just about everything that made sense as far as making sure unwanted things didn’t encroach my bubble of solitude goes, from keeping my doors and windows closed, to bug spray, to gorilla swiping these fuckfaces out of the air, and then throwing them in the toilet and laughing maniacally as the whirlpool of eternal glory and pee took them to a watery grave.  And STILL I’d wake up to about 100 of the fuckers crawling around my windows everyday.  Finally I started hearing tales about some Chinese people bringing stinkbugs to America or some Communist bullshit like that.  I’m pretty sure that story is made up, but whatever.  I’ll spread this rumor for the simple fact that I don’t really give a shit where they came from.  I’m almost positive that they crawled out of Mother Nature’s giant granny-panties anyways.

Stinkbugs are basically the Dustin Diamond’s of the Animal Kingdom (Dustin Diamond played “Screech” on “Saved by the Bell”, if you’re uninitiated in the awesomeness of ’90’s TV)  They started off as nuisances, but flicking them across the room during the theme song to “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” was mildly amusing.  Then eventually they got out of control.  I’ve heard horror stories about people having to actually move out of their fucking houses because of the infestations.  Ridiculous.  I wouldn’t have moved out.  If a horde of Dustin Diamond’s starting bustin through my doors and windows, I would’ve burned the fucker down.  That’ll learn’em.

Anyways, to my knowledge, stinkbugs don’t bite and aren’t poisonous, and I don’t really even know why they’re called stinkbugs, because I’ve smashed probably hundreds, and I’ve never smelled anything gross.  But the simple fact that they’re like illegal immigrants, hiding until night to bust into your house and shit on your carpet and then hanging out in your bathroom vents while you’re taking a shower, makes me hate them with a burning passion.  Fucking perverts have to buy tickets for this showerfest just like the rest of the members of www.nakedianintheshowerisawesome.com.  THIS SHOW ISN’T FREE, SON.

Fuck you, nature.

A.C. Slater should've done the world a favor and flying elbow-dropped Dustin while he had the chance.


Today in F-You Nature: Mosquitos


I don’t have many memories of my grandmother.  Being a military kid and moving around from place-to-place on a pretty regular basis kept me away from extended family, but every now and again we’d go visit them in North Carolina.  They lived in a beautiful house by a lake, and I spent a good amount of time fishing there.  I was also being bitten by mosquitos and other bugs that hang around water.  I asked my grandma about it once and she said that mosquitos bite me because I’m sweet.  Such a fantastic grandmother answer.  When I was a kid I was content with it, because she was my grandma.  I even went on to draw a comic book honoring the mosquito, called “The Radioactive Mosquito”.  That fucker was a badass too, he could shoot radiation out of his eyes AND whoop that ass with his sword-nose.  You don’t fuck with the radioactive mosquito, boyyyee.  But that is neither here nor there.  Grandma, I love ya, but you were wrong.  Mosquitos don’t bite me because I’m sweet, they bite me because they’re assholes.

Nature is a dick, I think we can all agree on that by now.  She throws endless amounts of natural disasters our way, makes our lives uncomfortable, and has a special talent for finding interesting ways to kill human beings.  One of the most effective and shittiest of ways is the tiny, flying fuckface that is the mosquito.  Mosquitos are all over the world, anywhere that there is water (which is fucking everywhere, thanks to rain) and the reason why -according to scientists, don’t pin this bullshit on me- they bite humans is to get some blood, fly off and make their eggs.  Whatever, science.    They fucking bite us to make us itchy and then make us die from goddamn Malaria.  Nature equipped the mosquito with a fucking syringe on its stupid face, making it a portable Jihad-terrorist-biological-warfare-motherfucker.  The mosquito bites, injects its spit and diseases, and then flies off like a twat to go hang out in the shade, leaving humans itchier than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina/taint combo meal.  And then, if you’re one of the lucky assholes living in certain parts of the world, you get to play disease bingo with nature.  Maybe you won’t catch Malaria, but there is still a decent chance for you to pick up some sweet Yellow Fever or West Nile Virus, both of which not only have their own plethora of shitty symptoms, but can cause swelling of the brain (encephalitis) which leads to a very painful death.

Unless somewhere there is a Queen Mosquito, and if you kill her, all of her brood dies, humanity can’t defeat the mosquito invasion.  There are just too fucking many.  Fortunately, our badass American Army came up with DEET.  DEET is commonly found in most bug repellants nowadays, and it basically is a neurotoxin for mosquitos.  Even if it doesn’t kill’em, they don’t like the smell, AND it confuses their senses.  Basically, you spray some DEET, and the mosquitos that are looking for you turn into a bunch of tiny, blood-sucking Helen Keller’s.  There are also mosquito traps that emit carbon dioxide, and mosquitos fly in’em and die, which is pretty badass.  I, myself, prefer the old fashioned slap-and-splatter.  It’s effective, it’s messy, it’s satisfying.  And, I personally like to pretend that every single mosquito I kill is that faggy Twilight vampire asshole.  Hey Robert Pattinson, your hair makes you look like Wolverine’s gay brother.  *SLAP* And now you’re dead.

Fuck you, nature.

Someone needs to spray this mooseknuckle with some DEET, stat.