A brah's epic battle against nature.

Brah vs Nature

Today in F-You Nature: Old People At My Gym


Doin curlzzzzz for the gurrrrllllz with 2lb weights. Stupid face.

Sorry for the whole “going MIA for several months” thing, it’s been hard for me to have a desire to write, as I’m constantly doing it for school these days.  At least it seems like it.  Whatev.  Anyways, I know that everyone gets old and dies and all that shit, and I know that old people think they deserve to have the rights that everyone else in the world does.  But get the fuck out of my gym.  Please.  I know that you finally saved up enough UPC codes and got that sweet new fanny pack from the Mott’s applesauce company to show off, but do it somewhere that I don’t have to trip over you.  Fuck.  It’s one thing to see your friend Bertha from down the hall in your retirement home at the grocery store, and feel the need to have a half an hour conversation about tapioca pudding and dominos while blocking an entire aisle with your shopping carts that have nothing fucking in them.  I get that.  I can totally accept that the grocery store is like the elephant graveyard for you fuckers.  But for the love of all that is holy – Baby Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, and whatever deity Eskimos pray to – get the fuck out of my gym.

I am almost 30.  I had every intention of either dying in a badass explosion or bank heist or something sweet at 40, but recently my friend Tara convinced me that 50 is the new 40.  Whatev, so long as I’m dead before I hit the age that I annoy the holy fuck out of everyone else in that comes in contact with me.  “Brah, why are you so hostile to old people?”, you ask?  Well let me explain to you exactly what I encounter every single day at my gym.  There are 3 parking lots to use.  The parking isn’t the greatest, but it’s certainly plentiful.  And yet, every single day that I get to the gym, no matter what time it is, there is no parking, because EVERY FUCKING CAR IS PARKED IN 2 SPOTS.  For some reason, even though these old fuckers obviously have all come from the same graveyard to piss me off, they don’t carpool or take one of those fancy geriatric buses that they get to use for free.  So I get to take a quarter mile walk before my workout even starts.

As soon as I walk into the gym, I am greeted by the sight of about 40 fat old ladies, floating around on neon pink pool-noodles, like enormous, horrifying, pale lilypads in the pool that I was excited to use when I first signed up for the gym.  Yeah, I think for the 8 months I’ve been a member, I’ve been in the pool twice.  Somehow worse is the hot tub.  I thought I’d be able to get more use out of it, but it’s like balls soup in there, because the old fuckers that manage to break a sweat from shuffling around the indoor track for 13 minutes don’t shower off before they get in it.  I decided that soaking up the hemorrhoid juice bubbling around in the hot tub isn’t in my best interest, so I generally skip that too.  I go into the locker room to put my gym bag away, and am immediately bombarded with old scrotums swinging around like fucking pendulums in fast forward.  Every old dude is for some reason bending over naked in front of the only open lockers in the locker room, or standing like Captain Morgan and regaling each other with racist stories while drying their balls off.  I swear to God, there is a public hair dryer in there – I have seen old guys blow drying their junk after the shower.  Now, I don’t use a hair dryer, but I don’t need hot air blowing crusty pubes around the fucking locker room.  It’s bad enough that I step on used bandaids in the shower.

On the days that I manage to not puke all over the place and run out of the gym horrified, I go up the stairs to start my workout.  There are 2 sides to the gym – one is for cardio, the other is for weight training.  On the cardio side, there are probably about 20 treadmills, 15 elipticals, 10 bikes, and a couple other random machines that no one ever uses because they were manufactured in the late ’70’s and will probably scrape you and give you tetanus if you attempt it.  There are several clipboards hanging on the wall so you can sign up for a machine and you get to use it for a half an hour before you have to get off and sign up for another one.  Annoying rule, but it gets busy in there, so I understand it.  Except that the stupidass old people that go there don’t sign up for anything, they just pretend like they didn’t know about it when you say something to them, and get all indignant about it when you start yelling at them.  What the fuck are you doing, walking at a 1.3 speed on a treadmill anyways?  You can do that on the fucking track you stupid tardos.  Fuck.

On the weight training side, I constantly have to stand guard on the machines I’m using between reps, because those muscle shirt, side boob showing old dudes and unitard wearing Forever 21 grandmas are fucking vultures, and will move your water bottle out of their way and then sit on your machine for fucking 25 minutes if you step off for even a second.  Then, when you finally get your machine back, it smells like farts and covered in some kind of filmy residue that is left by snails and the fucking walking dead.  WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO WORK OUT YOUR TRICEPS, BERTHA?  It’s like some asshole told them that doing tricep extensions with 10LBs is the equivalent of drinking out of the Fountain of Youth.  Maybe I’ll go get free weights instead.  Oh shit, nevermind.  Some fat, super hairy old guy is doing is fat guy ab workout directly in front of the weight rack instead of in the designated ab workout area.  Hank Hill would be pissed if he was real.  That shit is designated for a reason, sonnnn.  Maybe if I started accidentally dropping 25LB kettleballs on the dickholes that I have to reach over to get them, they’d learn.  Or die.  Either way, my problem would be temporarily solved.

Anyways.  This isn’t very nature-esque, I guess.  Although, it is nature’s fault that people get old.  Or human nature?  I dunno.  Fuck you nature, regardless.

I’m sure this fucker is a member at my gym. At least he sticks to yoga.


Today in F-You Nature: Joseph Kony


You know what would make him prettier? A bullet hole between his beady little eyes.

I don’t normally write anything that has any sort of serious undertones, mostly because I suck at expressing things that are truly important, and partly because, when things are REALLY important, I feel that it’s better to take action than to complain about it.  It’s the ninja in me, what can I say?  This topic, however, is something that CAN be supported by writing about it.  Just people knowing about this bullshit is a weapon to fight it, and this is the way that I feel that I can reach the most people.  (Well, the most literate people.  I can’t do anything to promote awareness to Mississippians, unfortunately.) Anyone that knows me knows that I’m pretty jovial and rarely serious, but I had to get real about this, it’s too important to turn away from.

Anyways, I have taken a brief hiatus from writing, due to an overwhelming school workload this semester, and I was really looking forward to taking some time off and writing about things that I hate, like female facial hair, my neighbor’s yippy dog, and a few other things that deserve to be eradicated from this planet.  Well, today while perusing Facebook before my hardcore study session began, a friend of mine posted a video about Joseph Kony.  Now, I’ve seen a bunch of movies about why Africa sucks – “Congo”, a bunch of crazy asshole gorillas start making humans their bitches; “Blood Diamond”, a movie about modern-day slavery and how, even though diamonds are drudged up under terrible circumstances, people still go out and blow a monetary load every year on them for Valentine’s Day gifts; “Black Hawk Down”, which I can’t even watch all the way through because of what happens to our American soldiers sends me into a homicidal rampage…But this video about Joseph Kony called “Kony 2012”, a short film by a guy named Jason Russell, (who deserves a motherfucking humanitarian award and a city named after him, by the way) is the most powerful thing I have ever seen ever.  (If you haven’t seen it and have 30 minutes to better yourself today, go to YouTube and look up Kony 2012.  It’s worth it, I promise.)

The documentary is about the crimes against humanity caused by a cowardly dickhole named Joseph Kony and his shithead following.  Like I said, you really should watch the video, but to summarize it badly, this bitchass is, and has been, abducting children from villages in Africa, forcing the boys to kill their parents and then commit other atrocities, and repeatedly raping the girls.  Kony makes the kids disfigure each other, cutting off noses and ears and lips.  He tortures and kills them if they try to escape.  He has made his own personal child army, for no other purpose except to maintain his power.  I can’t even read what I just wrote in that last paragraph without wanted to punch a few holes in my wall, it is truly the most disgusting thing that I could ever imagine.

After watching the video, I felt a bunch of mixed emotions, fury and shame being the prominent ones.  Fury, for obvious reasons, and shame, because outside of a Hollywood setting, I haven’t ever heard of this.  Here I’ve been fretting about who the Arizona Cardinals are going to draft this year, stressing about studying for finals and cramming for homework, and at the very same time, young kids in Uganda can’t even go to sleep without wondering if they’re going to wake up by being beaten with an AK-47, and being forced to kill their parents or rape their sisters.  And it’s even more shameful to feel shameful about it, because that’s not helping anyone.  It’s a situation that seems so surreal, because NOTHING like this would ever happen in America, and yet it’s a daily lifestyle for the helpless in Africa.  If I had my way, I’d gather up a few of the guys I served in the military with, buy 4 or 5 Winchester Model 70’s equipped with scopes, and a handful of plane tickets to Uganda, find and blow this motherfucker’s kneecaps out, slather his butthole up with the remains of his shins, and leave him to the fucking hyenas on an African savannah.

Since that is obviously not a realistic solution, I decided that I was going to promote the existence of the biggest piece of shit in the world, Joseph Kony, in the best way that I know how to, so that everyone that I could possibly reach with my words knows about the atrocities that he has and is currently committing.  It’s easy to not think about in the safety of our homes, while we’re eating Cheetos and watching Wheel of Fortune, but CHILDREN are being forced into slavery, being maimed, and dying as we speak, all because of the insanity of a single man, Joseph Kony.  I urge everyone that actually sat through this to go to http://www.invisiblechildren.com and at least get educated about the situation.  The more people that know, the more people can donate their time and energy and efforts to helping a worthy cause.

Thank you for reading this.

Your brah,

Ian