A brah's epic battle against nature.


Today in F-You Nature: Seagulls

Damn, that seagull's got some sweet kicks, brah.

Seagulls are easily one of the most annoying creatures on the face of the planet.  Nature really painted a beautiful fucking picture of how you’re not supposed to act.  Do you remember way back in 4th grade, when there was that fat ginger kid that would never shut the fuck up?  No matter how many times you shot him with rubberbands and mocked him relentlessly for not having a soul (it’s common knowledge that gingers don’t have souls) – (except for Simon Pegg, but he cuts his hair short anyways)  that kid would just not shut his stupid mouth.  Everything that he had to say was wrong, he always said it too loud, AND he was always eating cheetos, then he’d try to touch you or something that you didn’t want fucked up with nasty-ass cheeto fingers.  THAT is the human version of a seagull.  You can never get away from seagulls if you live near the ocean, they just aren’t afraid of mankind.  Even if you get lucky and kill one with a rock or something, they’ll all scavenge around the corpse and cannibalize it, and then come back and fuck with your shit too.  I don’t know if they’re too stupid to not care that you just killed one of their family and then watched them eat it, or what the fuck is going on with them, but that’s how they roll.

The absolute worst thing about seagulls is that they are thieves.  I’ve seen a video once where a little girl was walking on the beach eating a sandwich or cracker or something, and a fucking seagull swooped down out of the air, blasted this child’s eardrums out with one of those screeches that sounds like a demon is getting run over by a dump truck, knocked the girl down and stole her meal.  The little girl was all traumatized and crying, and the seagull is just standing there next to her like a fucking douche eating her sammich and shitting at the same time, like he owned the place.  I mean, I’m glad the video was made, because it was hilarious, but still.  The boldness of that prick is what is really upsetting – Birds are supposed to be afraid of humans.  We eat birds all the time, but seagulls don’t give a shit.  To them we’re just a food delivery service that they can slap around, poop on, and then not pay.  IT’S LIKE WORKING FOR JULIA ROBERTS.

Even Disney hates seagulls, look at the one that was in “The Little Mermaid”.  I don’t remember his name, that wasn’t important to me when I saw the movie.  Flappy or something, I dunno.  The important thing about that bird was how goddamn stupid he was.  Case in point: “Dinglehopper”.  Bitch that’s not a dinglehopper, that’s a fork!  You’ve got the hottest mermaid in the ocean combing her hair with a goddamn fork because you’re such an asshole.  A fork that I’m sure some sailor used to eat a bunch of fish, too.  And “Snarfblat”?  Fuck why has no one killed and eaten you yet, Flappy the douchebag?  I mean, the mermaid is obviously a retard for listening to your bad advice, but you don’t have to be an asshole and keep giving it to her.  Whatev.  The lesson to be learned here is that seagulls are thieves, liars, and assholes that were put here on this earth by nature to shit all over your car and your dreams.

Fuck you, nature.

What a dick.