A brah's epic battle against nature.

Africa

Today in F-You Nature: Joseph Kony


You know what would make him prettier? A bullet hole between his beady little eyes.

I don’t normally write anything that has any sort of serious undertones, mostly because I suck at expressing things that are truly important, and partly because, when things are REALLY important, I feel that it’s better to take action than to complain about it.  It’s the ninja in me, what can I say?  This topic, however, is something that CAN be supported by writing about it.  Just people knowing about this bullshit is a weapon to fight it, and this is the way that I feel that I can reach the most people.  (Well, the most literate people.  I can’t do anything to promote awareness to Mississippians, unfortunately.) Anyone that knows me knows that I’m pretty jovial and rarely serious, but I had to get real about this, it’s too important to turn away from.

Anyways, I have taken a brief hiatus from writing, due to an overwhelming school workload this semester, and I was really looking forward to taking some time off and writing about things that I hate, like female facial hair, my neighbor’s yippy dog, and a few other things that deserve to be eradicated from this planet.  Well, today while perusing Facebook before my hardcore study session began, a friend of mine posted a video about Joseph Kony.  Now, I’ve seen a bunch of movies about why Africa sucks – “Congo”, a bunch of crazy asshole gorillas start making humans their bitches; “Blood Diamond”, a movie about modern-day slavery and how, even though diamonds are drudged up under terrible circumstances, people still go out and blow a monetary load every year on them for Valentine’s Day gifts; “Black Hawk Down”, which I can’t even watch all the way through because of what happens to our American soldiers sends me into a homicidal rampage…But this video about Joseph Kony called “Kony 2012”, a short film by a guy named Jason Russell, (who deserves a motherfucking humanitarian award and a city named after him, by the way) is the most powerful thing I have ever seen ever.  (If you haven’t seen it and have 30 minutes to better yourself today, go to YouTube and look up Kony 2012.  It’s worth it, I promise.)

The documentary is about the crimes against humanity caused by a cowardly dickhole named Joseph Kony and his shithead following.  Like I said, you really should watch the video, but to summarize it badly, this bitchass is, and has been, abducting children from villages in Africa, forcing the boys to kill their parents and then commit other atrocities, and repeatedly raping the girls.  Kony makes the kids disfigure each other, cutting off noses and ears and lips.  He tortures and kills them if they try to escape.  He has made his own personal child army, for no other purpose except to maintain his power.  I can’t even read what I just wrote in that last paragraph without wanted to punch a few holes in my wall, it is truly the most disgusting thing that I could ever imagine.

After watching the video, I felt a bunch of mixed emotions, fury and shame being the prominent ones.  Fury, for obvious reasons, and shame, because outside of a Hollywood setting, I haven’t ever heard of this.  Here I’ve been fretting about who the Arizona Cardinals are going to draft this year, stressing about studying for finals and cramming for homework, and at the very same time, young kids in Uganda can’t even go to sleep without wondering if they’re going to wake up by being beaten with an AK-47, and being forced to kill their parents or rape their sisters.  And it’s even more shameful to feel shameful about it, because that’s not helping anyone.  It’s a situation that seems so surreal, because NOTHING like this would ever happen in America, and yet it’s a daily lifestyle for the helpless in Africa.  If I had my way, I’d gather up a few of the guys I served in the military with, buy 4 or 5 Winchester Model 70’s equipped with scopes, and a handful of plane tickets to Uganda, find and blow this motherfucker’s kneecaps out, slather his butthole up with the remains of his shins, and leave him to the fucking hyenas on an African savannah.

Since that is obviously not a realistic solution, I decided that I was going to promote the existence of the biggest piece of shit in the world, Joseph Kony, in the best way that I know how to, so that everyone that I could possibly reach with my words knows about the atrocities that he has and is currently committing.  It’s easy to not think about in the safety of our homes, while we’re eating Cheetos and watching Wheel of Fortune, but CHILDREN are being forced into slavery, being maimed, and dying as we speak, all because of the insanity of a single man, Joseph Kony.  I urge everyone that actually sat through this to go to http://www.invisiblechildren.com and at least get educated about the situation.  The more people that know, the more people can donate their time and energy and efforts to helping a worthy cause.

Thank you for reading this.

Your brah,

Ian