Today in F-You Nature: Snow
So, I’m on my winter break from school, and I’ve been looking forward to stealing someone’s trash can lid and recklessly sliding down a snowy hill for months now, but of course, this year there is no snow in Pittsburgh. All of the locals are suggesting that it’s some sort of terrible yinzer miracle, I’m suggesting that it’s some bullshit. If it’s gonna be cold as balls, there should at least be snow! Shit. So, that’s basically how snow ended up on my hate list. You did this to yourself, snow. I was perfectly fine writing about how female facial hair sucks, but you had to get all twatish this year. Whatev.
When I was stationed in Fairbanks, AK, I had plenty of time to learn the ways of snow fuckery. For the most part, I didn’t mind it so much, because like I said, if it’s gonna be cold, there should at least be snow. Snow is like my neighbor’s kid that I dumped boiling macaroni and cheese water on – fun for a minute, and then melts right around the time that you’re getting sick of it. Minus the Cheeto-stained Mickey Mouse shirt and hospital bills, I mean. Anyways, my friend Nick and I were driving through Fairbanks in the winter. It was probably about -25 nutsack-freezing degrees out, and snowy. He had mentioned that he was having some car trouble, and he wanted to go get a new battery or something. Of course, he mentioned this fact to me after his car died in the parking lot of some skeezy Alaskan rape store. It wasn’t a big deal, we were close to the mechanic so worst case scenario, we’d have to wait a couple hours for the mechanic to decide how hard he was going to financially butt-love Nick. The car started back up though, so all was right in the world.
Now, Fairbanks is probably about 30 miles away from the Air Force base that I was stationed at, and when the roads suck, it takes a decent while to get to where you need to be. We had JUST left city limits, and were probably about 2 miles away from civilization, when Nick’s car died again. Except this time, it wouldn’t start. Awesome. So it’s fucking super cold, and we have no way to heat ourselves. Nick’s cell phone was dead, and I didn’t bring mine because texting was expensive back then, and talking on the phone is just terrible. Seriously, I’d rather eat a bowl of paint chips for breakfast than be forced into some awkward phone call. I don’t know why, but usually when I’m on the phone with someone, I lose anything interesting that I could possibly talk about immediately. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s a guy thing…I don’t know. All I know is that unless you’re in my family or are the 1 or 2 of my friends that I actually have something to talk about for longer than 3 minutes, don’t call me. Unless you like to hear me breathe. Creep.
So, there are probably 2 or 3 abandoned looking buildings on the side of the road, and we decide that it’s our best chance of survival, even if we are forced into some Alaskan meth-cooking cartel. Of course, the snow is knee deep, and there is one of those chain link fences that is supposed to keep moose from running out into the middle of the road blocking our path. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, except that climbing up a metal fence with no gloves on when it’s -fuckingcold degrees outside is like getting a hold of Jack Frost’s grundle and giving him a handy j. We climb the fence, and trudge our way for about half a mile and we notice that there is a random Pizza Hut behind the creepy hobo buildings. Thank the pan-crust pizza loving Jesus. We get in and defrost and call our boss to come pick us up on a PAY PHONE (hell yeah) and I find that as I hopped the fence, I lost my wallet, ID, money, and whatever else I had in my pockets in the goddamn snowbank surrounding it. Fucking thieving snow.
Anyways, I got some free pizza since Nick had to buy, and we got back ok, and I had to get everything I lost reissued to me (getting a military ID replaced sucks, you get scolded like an asshole that went out of his way to lose it). I guess my hatred for the lack of snow this year was more apparent in this than for snow itself, but whatever. You get the drift. The…SNOW DRIFT. Oh shnap. Also, I was dating a really hot chick named Robin somewhere around that time, and I learned from the 2 or 3 romantic comedies that I was forced to sit through that it’s “cute” or “playful” to push your significant other into deep snow banks. So I shoved her in some, but didn’t let her drag me in after her, because fuck that, I’m no fool. Getting bitched at for like 4 hours straight was not the reaction I expected. Goddamn romantic comedies and their lies.
Fuck you, nature.