Today in F-You Nature: Nickelback
I know, I know – Nickelback isn’t exactly nature-esque, but hear me out. Sometimes I’ll go on my Facebook page and poll my friends about what they hate more, and give them some options. My friend Nick, one of the most creatively hateful people I know, suggested Nickelback with the explanation that “Nickelback is a force of evil, and evil is a part of nature.” Wise words my friend. Anyways, Nickelback is fucking terrible. They are the epitome of what a band should never, ever be, and yet thanks to Nascar-watching, 1-eyed hillbilly halftards that like to play radio edited Nickelback songs that they recorded onto a mix-tape, while they’re banging their sisters on the display beds in the Wal-Mart Supercenter, the band is popular. And worse than that, successful. It makes me sad that the masses have such control over something as powerful as music; Nowadays (holy fuck that’s an old person word) people don’t really give a shit about well written lyrics and non-synthesized music. 4-chord wonders top the rock charts and no-talent urethras get rich singing about hookers and how much money they have. IF YOU’RE GOING TO SING ABOUT A HOOKER, IT BETTER BE ABOUT HOW YOU DIDN’T PAY HER BECAUSE SHE GAVE YOU HEPATITIS.
I don’t remember the place or time that I first heard Nickelback, probably because as soon as the lead singer Chad Kroeger’s voice forcibly entered my ears and started raping my brain, I went into seizures or shock or a fucking short coma. I also couldn’t tell you the first popular song of theirs, I tried looking up a discography so it would make more sense, but the song titles didn’t really help me, and I’d rather jump off of my balcony than preview the songs to make this more accurate. It doesn’t really matter anyways, since all of Nickelback’s songs sound like a chainsaw cutting through cement and orphans for 3 minutes or so. All I know is that when that shit hit my ear-holes, I went into my fucking fight-or-flight mode. Shit. I would rather listen to cannibals eating me alive than Nickelback. I would rather listen to cancer rapidly growing in my body than Nickelback. And if I ever get cancer, I’m going to autograph pictures of it and send them to the members of Nickelback. Seriously.
Chad Kroeger, the band’s lead singer, is a twat. He looks like Joe Camel with a fucking perm. And his name is Chad. Chad is the ultimate douche name. Whenever I think of what a “Chad” would look like, I think of some 135LB, pink polo shirt wearing dingleberry that tells chicks at the gym that he’s a fan of The Beatles and Kanye West in the same sentence, and can only play 3 songs on the guitar, all of them by the Goo Goo Dolls. Kroeger is a terrible musician, a terrible singer, a terrible songwriter, and if there was a league of villanous musicians, he’d be the king of those douches. His 2nd in command would be the trifecta of Madonna, Cher and Celine Dion fused together by one of their saggy tits. John Mayer and Gwen Stefani would be the evil lair janitors. And they’d live in some fucking swamp somewhere, preying on frogs, small children, and drunk sorority girls. The ones that claim they’re “born again” virgins when they’re sober, but as soon as the Coors Light hits their lips, they pull out their used tampons and start grinding folding lawn chairs.
I hate Nickelback so much. They make me not want to go to public sporting events or badass military airshows because I know for a fact that at some point, Nickelback will be played over a loudspeaker, and the combination of Nickelback songs and the idiots that LIKE Nickelback surrounding me and are singing the wrong lyrics, will throw me into a homicidal frenzy.
Fuck you, nature. And fuck you, Nickelback.