A brah's epic battle against nature.

Today in F-You Nature: Nickelback


They wrote the "b" in their name backwards because they're clever. Like Donnie the retard and his broken crayon.

I know, I know – Nickelback isn’t exactly nature-esque, but hear me out.  Sometimes I’ll go on my Facebook page and poll my friends about what they hate more, and give them some options.  My friend Nick, one of the most creatively hateful people I know, suggested Nickelback with the explanation that “Nickelback is a force of evil, and evil is a part of nature.”  Wise words my friend.  Anyways, Nickelback is fucking terrible.  They are the epitome of what a band should never, ever be, and yet thanks to Nascar-watching, 1-eyed hillbilly halftards that like to play radio edited Nickelback songs that they recorded onto a mix-tape, while they’re banging their sisters on the display beds in the Wal-Mart Supercenter, the band is popular.  And worse than that, successful.  It makes me sad that the masses have such control over something as powerful as music; Nowadays (holy fuck that’s an old person word) people don’t really give a shit about well written lyrics and non-synthesized music.  4-chord wonders top the rock charts and no-talent urethras get rich singing about hookers and how much money they have.  IF YOU’RE GOING TO SING ABOUT A HOOKER, IT BETTER BE ABOUT HOW YOU DIDN’T PAY HER BECAUSE SHE GAVE YOU HEPATITIS.

I don’t remember the place or time that I first heard Nickelback, probably because as soon as the lead singer Chad Kroeger’s voice forcibly entered my ears and started raping my brain, I went into seizures or shock or a fucking short coma.  I also couldn’t tell you the first popular song of theirs, I tried looking up a discography so it would make more sense, but the song titles didn’t really help me, and I’d rather jump off of my balcony than preview the songs to make this more accurate.  It doesn’t really matter anyways, since all of Nickelback’s songs sound like a chainsaw cutting through cement and orphans for 3 minutes or so.  All I know is that when that shit hit my ear-holes, I went into my fucking fight-or-flight mode.  Shit.  I would rather listen to cannibals eating me alive than Nickelback.  I would rather listen to cancer rapidly growing in my body than Nickelback.  And if I ever get cancer, I’m going to autograph pictures of it and send them to the members of Nickelback.  Seriously.

Chad Kroeger, the band’s lead singer, is a twat.  He looks like Joe Camel with a fucking perm.  And his name is Chad.  Chad is the ultimate douche name.  Whenever I think of what a “Chad” would look like, I think of some 135LB, pink polo shirt wearing dingleberry that tells chicks at the gym that he’s a fan of The Beatles and Kanye West in the same sentence, and can only play 3 songs on the guitar, all of them by the Goo Goo Dolls.  Kroeger is a terrible musician, a terrible singer, a terrible songwriter, and if there was a league of villanous musicians, he’d be the king of those douches.  His 2nd in command would be the trifecta of Madonna, Cher and Celine Dion fused together by one of their saggy tits.  John Mayer and  Gwen Stefani would be the evil lair janitors.  And they’d live in some fucking swamp somewhere, preying on frogs, small children, and drunk sorority girls.  The ones that claim they’re “born again” virgins when they’re sober, but as soon as the Coors Light hits their lips, they pull out their used tampons and start grinding folding lawn chairs.

I hate Nickelback so much.  They make me not want to go to public sporting events or badass military airshows because I know for a fact that at some point, Nickelback will be played over a loudspeaker, and the combination of Nickelback songs and the idiots that LIKE Nickelback surrounding me and are singing the wrong lyrics, will throw me into a homicidal frenzy.

Fuck you, nature.  And fuck you, Nickelback.

Oh my God I want to hit'em.

 

5 responses

  1. TheBoss

    Nickleback is playing the halftime show for the Detroit/Packers game on Turkeyday. They arent even American and dont celebrate Tday! So many good artists from Detroit the network could have chosen…. one more thing(guilty pleasure) I like Rockstar. >;)

    November 7, 2011 at 14:24

  2. mattmillen4president

    Putting bacon on ice cream is a guilty pleasure. Watching crappy network sitcoms is a guilty pleasure. Liking Rockstar is proof that you need to reevaluate your life.

    November 11, 2011 at 14:44

  3. sb

    Obviously you are no literary genius. Enroll in a class, expand you vocabulary and rant about something that actually matters or has some consequence.

    January 17, 2012 at 07:07

    • Obviously I’m not a literary genius, which is why I write on a public forum like wordpress for my own amusement. Obviously you’re not a literary genius because you think you’re clever enough to come onto my site and throw out your sad little opinion like anyone would give a shit. To address your problem with what I’m “ranting” about, if I had an issue with something that actually mattered or was of consequence, I’d do something to fix it. I’m not some pathetic little twat (like you, from what I can tell) that blogs about how hard the world is, or whatever happened that is making your mascara run and your vagina bleed. So how about this: I’ll continue to rant about things that don’t matter because it amuses me, you continue to sit on your homemade soapbox in your mom’s basement, trying to talk down to people that are better than you online, and masturbating in a bra that you stole out of your mom’s dirty laundry. Fuck you, die in a tire fire, and go find something to do with your life that doesn’t include talking to me.

      January 17, 2012 at 09:56

  4. If I may:
    1 – You ARE enrolled in a class.
    2 – You read, therefore your vocabulary is constantly expanding.
    3 – Stopping Nickleback is the single most important issue facing our society, and my vote in November will be decided on this issue alone.
    4 – sb? More like Douchebagb. Huzzah!

    January 17, 2012 at 10:27

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