Today in F-You Nature: Pollen
When I was a kid, my dad took me to get an allergy test done. I don’t remember the details, but I DO remember that they put like 50 drops of different things that you could be allergic to on your back, and then prick you with a needle a bunch of times on said drops. I was allergic to a bunch of shit, I don’t remember most of it which is probably not the best thing to forget, but I do remember that I’m allergic to pollen. And I’m reminded every fucking time the wind blows in spring and summer. Anyways, sometime after, I went with my 5th grade class (I think 5th grade? Jesus Christ, my memory sucks worse than a deaf kid singing Miley Cyrus songs) to a place called “Camp Cooper”. It was a 2 or 3 day gig at some little camp in the middle of the desert in Arizona, and it was pretty awesome. Some gross lady was dissecting owl and bat turds to show us animal bones, we got to eat cactus fruit, and there was a bbq every night. And then one night, some kid blew a handful of pollen from some shitty desert tree into my face. Now, I don’t know what in the great blue fuck that little dildo was thinking, but getting hit by that shit felt like the equivalent of snorting goddamn SARS and herpes out of an anthill. My face got all swollen and red and ended up looking like a scrotum, and I was itchier than the Pink Panther’s sex partners – I assume his fur is made out of fiberglass insulation, yeah nevermind. Anyways, that fucking sucked to say the least. Luckily, the last day of that trip, I saw that little dickhole fall into a cactus. Some people helped him, I mostly just laughed and pointed. In fact, I still laugh about that when I’m having a bad day. Little asshole.
Anyways, pollen is such bullshit, and here’s why: Not only did nature engineer it to make human beings feel like they contracted the bubonic plague whenever it floats in our general vicinity, but it’s fucking plant sperm. Holy shit, every single time your allergies are acting up, it’s because some tree blew his load and the wind smeared the money shot right into your face. And what the fuck bees? Bees roll around and get covered in plant jizz, and then take it back to their lair to share with their nasty-ass family. Hey bee-kids, dad’s home and he brought some sperm for you TO EAT. Jesus I’m so glad I’m not a bee. Bees also carry pollen around to other plants for insemination or fertilization or whatever it’s called in the plant world, which in turn, breeds more pollen when the plant drops off baby plants. Yeah I’m not a scientist, so I don’t know or care how that shit works, but I do know that pollen sucks, allergies suck, bees suck, and nature sucks for making human beings endure plant bukkake showers non-stop.
Fuck you, nature.