Today in F-You Nature: Flies
Goddammit, I should’ve put the fly-banging picture in last, because I can’t get it off of my screen while I’m writing this. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SOME HIPSTER DILDO THINKS THAT PICTURE IS ART? Fucking gross. I hope it haunts your dreams and scars your brain like it does mine. Anyways, I hate flies. They’re disgusting, annoying, dirty and contribute nothing good to the world – they’re basically the Kardashian family of the Animal Kingdom.
A long time ago, my family and I took a trip to New Mexico to visit some people. I don’t remember how I’m supposed to know these people, but whatever, we were there and they owned a farm. And it was pretty cool, I had never stayed on a real farm before. I also got to see the Jetsons’ animated movie while I was there, which was obviously fuckin sweet. The bad part about staying on a farm in New Mexico is the flies. Jesus Christ, flies are like the official bird of that balls/grundle combopack of a state. And it’s even worse on a farm. A farm in New Mexico is basically where flies go to get drunk and film their amateur orgies. Gross. Anyways, the farmers had a cow, and the cow just had a baby, and I was explicitly told to NOT go into the cow pen to see the baby cow, because I would probably get trampled and gored. So the next day, I jumped into the cow pen and was immediately chased out by the pissed off mother cow. As I leapt back over the wooden fence like a fuckin gazelle, I swallowed a fly. I didn’t realize what had happened at first, because I was still powered by adrenaline and badass survival instinct, but as blood slowly started seeping back into my brain, it occured to me that something flew into my mouth and hit the back of my throat, and as I looked around, all I could see was flies. I was rightfully grossed out, and all of the “Rock-a-Dile Red” Kool-Aid in the world couldn’t fix me.
There are so many things that are terrible about flies. First off, some of them bite you. Horse flies can bite you hard enough that you bleed. They’re the size of that flying, gold anal bead that Harry Potter chases in those movies, except with teeth. Also, they eat shit. OK, yeah. There ya go. They literally eat shit. They love the stuff, they can’t get enough of it. And when they’re done eating shit, they land on your food or face or some cherished item, and then puke all over it. That’s what they do. You think they’re just resting? Fuck no, they are literally vomiting shit onto you. That little stupid hand rubbing motion isn’t for cleanliness, it’s because they’re hatching maniacal plans between fits of barf. And dear sweet baby Jesus in a leopard-print boy thong, they are annoying. I once read somewhere that flies fly in some kind of retarded pattern that only makes sense to flies, and if you fuck up their flight path, they will leave you alone because they find a different pattern to fly in, I don’t know. I do know that if you hit them really fucking hard with a fly swatter, pillow, brick, newspaper, phone book, or angry fist, they’ll leave you alone.
If all this isn’t enough to make you hate flies, then there is clearly something wrong with you. Maybe your parents fed you paint chips and cat food for dessert or something, I dunno. But like a porn star, I’ll finish strong: Missy Elliot dressed up in some trash bags and rapped some terrible rap about being a fly in the mid 90’s. Hannah Mon-goddamn-tana sang some hillbilly/pop bullshit about being a fly on the wall. And one of the worst human beings to ever let live past the age of 11, Jeff Goldblum, was in a terrible movie about becoming a fly-man. Jeff Goldblum: The flyest Jew around.
Fuck you, nature.