Today in F-You Nature: Bears
Every summer when I was a kid, my family and I would go camping. Generally we wouldn’t stay anywhere in particular for very long, just 1 stop per night kinda thing for a week or so. I don’t remember where this particular incident happened, I’m thinking somewhere in New Mexico, which might be why I have such disdain for it, I dunno. It doesn’t really matter. New Mexico sucks, bears or not. Don’t go there unless you like hayseeds and sodomy. Anyways, one day, I get out of the tent and sit on the bench to eat some delicious Rice Krispies. I was really groggy, but I remember my mom saying something to me about getting in the car. I wasn’t paying attention – the only thing I was focused on at the moment was devouring my cereal before it got soggy. Rice Krispies are notorious for going soggy really fast, and I’m not about to try and eat some flacid goddamn cereal. I NEED THAT CRUNCH, SON!. Yeah. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom grab my sister or brother or both and scamper up the hill to the car. I’m thinking, “Oh that crazy mom and her crazy foot races.” She’s yelling at me, and I’m drinking hot chocolate like the smug 8-year old asshole that I was. Finally, after like 3 minutes of getting yelled at from the car, I turned around and what do I see? A bear standing behind me. A motherfucking bear. I’d like to think that I did something awesome, like kick the bear in his stupid, bare bear (heh) nutsack and then jump on his back while he’s doubled over and gouge his eyes out with my thumbs, but really, I think I probably just shit and peed on myself. I ran up to the car like a fucking Kenyan olympic athlete, and looked down only to see that giant, hairy dildo eating my rice krispies and drinking my hot chocolate! WHAT THE FUCK NATURE. You send your caveman looking associate to scare the puberty out of a kid, and then make him watch while he has his meal eaten RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE? Just thinking about it makes me want to go burn down a forest or Build-A-Bear store in the mall or something.
Bears are big and strong and ferocious and blah blah whatever, I’m not going to spew anymore redeeming qualities for bears. I’m just trying to explain why humans feel the need to honor them with cartoon characters and cereal mascots and shit. Well, here is a list of stupid bear characters and why they’re stupid. 1- Yogi and Boo-Boo. In a parallel dimension, I would probably like Yogi a lot, because I’m all for the stealing of peoples lunches. But a bear stole my fucking breakfast, and I just can’t look past the similarities. So fuck Yogi. And Boo-Boo was worse, always naysaying and being a little dickface. 2- Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh was mentally retarded. And I have no problems with the handicapped, I really don’t. I DO, however, have a problem with the fact that Winnie the Pooh always made his friends help him out of the most ridiculous predicaments EVERY SINGLE DAY. All for honey. How many times does a retard get stuck in something before you put a leash and a bell on it? I’d say twice, but whatever. I’m not a doctor. 3- Baloo. Baloo was ok when he was singing “The Bear Necessities” with that little mud-dwelling hobo Mogli, but then he got a Disney spinoff, “Tale Spin”. The only time it’s acceptable for a bear to be flying is if he’s shot out of a cannon. 4- That motherfucking “Snuggle” laundry detergent bear. WHAT ARE YOU, MALE OR FEMALE? I don’t need some tranny telling me to wash my clothes. 5- Kuma, from the Tekken video games. You’re a goddamn bear, stop doing kung-fu and fucking eat somebody, you 2000 lb dancing bag of dingleberries.
There are so many more bear icons that I hate, like the demon-possessed doll Teddy Ruxpin or the fucking Coca-Cola bears, but…I feel like I should mention the only bear on this list that is a fucking badass – BEAR TAINTPUNCHING GRYLLS. Bear Grylls is the goddamn man. He can basically overcome any obstacle AND HE BATTLES NATURE EVEN THOUGH HE WAS NAMED AFTER IT. That’s like the ultimate slap in the face right there. Bear Grylls will eat a raw monkey eyeball, scrub his scrotum with a sponge he made out of a pinecone and some mermaid hair, sleep on a bed of poisonous honey badgers, make a weapon out of the bones out of some wild animal he conquered, and then defy gravity and jump off of a cliff to safety. How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears? AS MANY AS HE FUCKING WANTS TO.
Fuck yeah Mr. Grylls. And fuck you, nature.