Today in F-You Nature: Gravity
Gravity is a real bitch. And not just because it teamed up with my one-time friend Alan in the whole “make-me-fall-out-of-a-tree-and-break-my-shit” debacle. (See https://brahvsnature.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/today-in-f-you-nature-tree-sap/ for that ridiculous story.) Gravity is a little something that I like to call an “invisibully” – you can’t see it, but it’s constantly fucking humans up left and right. Anytime you trip and make a fool of yourself in front of some hot piece of ladybutt, thank gravity. Anytime a bird shits on you, a plane crashes, a baby falls down an elevator shaft, a mortar hits your house, Jesus reaches down and punches you in the forehead, you drop your keys down some fucking hole that happens to be the exact shape of your keys and nothing else in the world, thank gravity. Do you know why you can’t fly? Gravity. There are so many reasons to hate gravity, but let me tell you the worst thing gravity has ever done to humanity – Saggy boobs. I would rather have fallen out of that tree 1000 times than ever known the world of saggy boobs.
I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure I know how this works: Girls sprout their glory-lumps like awesome Chia pets at about 13 years old, and then immediately go into a struggle with gravity. For years and years women fight a losing battle, using weapons manufactured by Victoria’s Secret (weapons that also make them wonderbra wearing liars – a fact that I’ve come to terms with, because it’s worth it to know that they’re fighting nature daily) only to eventually succumb to saggy boobness. And women can’t be blamed for it, gravity never lets up on its iron grip. The bigger the rack, the more gravity yanks on it, and the more likely the chick is to 2-step all over her nipples. Giant, beautiful orbs made out of happiness and full of magical, rainbow-colored unicorn fur are transformed into something that looks like a pair of oversized twinkies filled with that slime that Nickelodeon shows used to make you look like an asshole if you failed a physical challenge back in the ’90’s. I think it was called “Gak”, I can’t remember. Either way, it sucks.
According to mathematicians and physicists and those kind of geniuses, Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, blah blah, gravity is actually something keeping humanity alive by not allowing Earth to go spiraling into the sun and burning to a crisp. But that’s just a clever ruse. I’m not sure why Isaac Newton is siding with gravity after he was hit in the face by an apple, sounds like a little bitch move to me, but whatever. I’d much rather live in a world where women floated around frantically with perfect boobies, even only for a few minutes of gravity-less glory before skidding into the sun like a junebug into a bug-zapper, than in a world with banana shaped dangle tits, swinging around like fucking chest-scrotums. Whatever, I’ll always love all boobs, and always hate all gravity. And women, you all deserve medals for your constant struggle with nature.
Fuck you, Nature.