Today in F-You Nature: Stinkbugs
When I first moved to Pittsburgh, I was really stoked about living in a place with rivers and hills and great scenery. The weather is usually decent, and I enjoy living in a place that has 4-seasons. There didn’t seem to be too much of a bug problem, or at least that’s what I thought. Enter: the stinkbug. When I first saw a stinkbug, I had no idea what it was. I just noticed a gaggle of stupid, turd-looking bugs burning in my grill and didn’t really think anything of it, except that they had better not be exploding on whatever delicious animal I was planning on eating. One of my dildo neighbors told me that they were baby praying mantis’. Now, I’m not an entomologist, but I know what a fucking praying mantis looks like. They’re green and they kinda dance and they have giant dick slappers. Stinkbugs, on the other hand, look like flying hobos. Whatever, the point is, nobody could tell me what the fuck they were. I just knew that no matter what I did, I couldn’t keep them out of my house.
I tried just about everything that made sense as far as making sure unwanted things didn’t encroach my bubble of solitude goes, from keeping my doors and windows closed, to bug spray, to gorilla swiping these fuckfaces out of the air, and then throwing them in the toilet and laughing maniacally as the whirlpool of eternal glory and pee took them to a watery grave. And STILL I’d wake up to about 100 of the fuckers crawling around my windows everyday. Finally I started hearing tales about some Chinese people bringing stinkbugs to America or some Communist bullshit like that. I’m pretty sure that story is made up, but whatever. I’ll spread this rumor for the simple fact that I don’t really give a shit where they came from. I’m almost positive that they crawled out of Mother Nature’s giant granny-panties anyways.
Stinkbugs are basically the Dustin Diamond’s of the Animal Kingdom (Dustin Diamond played “Screech” on “Saved by the Bell”, if you’re uninitiated in the awesomeness of ’90’s TV) They started off as nuisances, but flicking them across the room during the theme song to “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” was mildly amusing. Then eventually they got out of control. I’ve heard horror stories about people having to actually move out of their fucking houses because of the infestations. Ridiculous. I wouldn’t have moved out. If a horde of Dustin Diamond’s starting bustin through my doors and windows, I would’ve burned the fucker down. That’ll learn’em.
Anyways, to my knowledge, stinkbugs don’t bite and aren’t poisonous, and I don’t really even know why they’re called stinkbugs, because I’ve smashed probably hundreds, and I’ve never smelled anything gross. But the simple fact that they’re like illegal immigrants, hiding until night to bust into your house and shit on your carpet and then hanging out in your bathroom vents while you’re taking a shower, makes me hate them with a burning passion. Fucking perverts have to buy tickets for this showerfest just like the rest of the members of www.nakedianintheshowerisawesome.com. THIS SHOW ISN’T FREE, SON.
Fuck you, nature.