A brah's epic battle against nature.

Today in F-You Nature: Deer

Hey fellow nature-haters, your favorite brah is back from a brief hiatus due to nature tossing some germs my way and then school started, which didn’t help my cause.  But don’t worry, the brah is back in a big way: full of more hate than ever before.  The head cold/flu/bullshit was bad enough, this entire week, my homestate of Arizona has been ravaged by Nature rubbing her stupid flaming vagina all over it.  But I digress.  Deer are the focus of my hatred at the moment, my friend Liz decided it.  (You guys might know her as “Elle”, check her site out, it’s well-written, clean, and helpful.  Basically the opposite of this site.  Not to mention, she looks fantastic in a dress.  http://tinkrpippi.wordpress.com or www.backyardbumpkin.com)

When I was younger, I didn’t waste my limited TV watching time on any ol’ bullshit.  I was strictly a Ninja Turtles kid.  The cartoon, the movies, the live concerts, all of’em.  I mean, what’s not to like?  They’re ninjas, they’re man-sized turtles, and they hang out in the sewer with a rat and a hobo named Casey.  And, besides Donatello on the saxophone like an asshole, they rocked out.  And “Ninja Rap”?  They even made Vanilla Ice awesome for 3 minutes.  Badass.  But, as I got older, I started noticing boobs and the neighbor girl that they were attached to.  So, one day, as I’m awkwardly trying to impress her with my willingness to do the lame shit that she liked to do, “Bambi” came up.  I hadn’t ever seen it until that day, and for me, it was a day of infamy.  Within the first 10 minutes of that cinematic fuckery, my young mind was twisted into hating mankind- when Bambi’s mom got turned into a wall mount.  I, of course, was too young to realize that there are two sides to every story.  Yeah, the hunters shot Bambi’s mom in the face, but I didn’t realize at the time that Bambi’s mom probably was shitting all over the hunters yard, or eating his vegetable garden, or dropping off disease-spreading bugs at his house.  What a whore.  After realizing how douchey deer are, I wished that there was a “Bambi 2”, but instead of the movie being about the most awkward deer in the forest like the first one was, it was instead about the hunters turning Bambi’s mom’s bones into toothbrush handles and utensils.

Deer are essentially the rats of the forest.  They walk around, pissing and shitting all over everything like assholes.  They eat trash out of the dumpster and the vegetables in your garden in the middle of the night while you’re sleeping.  Hey, think you’re growing a delicious and nutritious salad for tomorrow’s dinner?  Wrong.  You’re growing a salad for Bambi’s bitch mom to eat and then shit on.  You can thank the deer for making your kids fat and weak and probably stupid.  They also are like living short-buses, dropping goddamn ticks off at your front door.  So now, not only do you have a gaggle of half-retarded deer infesting your yard, but you have nasty little ticks infesting your house, giving you and your kids and your pets Lyme Disease.  So when you wake up in the middle of the night because little Junior-Son-Of-A-Bitch won’t stop screaming about his face being red and paralyzed, you can thank the assholes that are eating your tomatoes that very moment.

Nature also infused some kind of kamikaze instinct into their golf ball sized brains.  They run out into traffic like fucking morons constantly, but cars don’t normally hit them – THEY run into your car and die.  Sweet, some chronic lower back pain, and you can’t even sue nature for being an inconsiderate twat.  If man wasn’t smart enough to make giant badass trucks and SUV’s, Nature would be constantly rocking us with her fucking deer missiles.  And, nature also saw fit to give some deer fangs.  F-A-N-G-S.  The Chinese Water Deer, also known as the Buck-Toothed Dickhole by me, has 3 inch fangs, and it bites dogs.  Not making that shit up.  Enjoy your vet bills, don’t count on nature picking up the tab.

Fuck you, nature.

Even people that dress like deer are assholes.



One response

  1. Ellē

    Oh Ian you have outdone yourself! THANK YOU so much for saying what I am thinking every day as I walk though my garden and see yet another tomato bush bitten down to the stem, or as I wipe my sneezy runny nose as I diligently sprinkle Sam’s Club size tubs of garlic and pepper around my yard.

    And PS: Thanks for the shout out!\

    Luv Ya!

    July 5, 2011 at 09:09

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