Today in F-You Nature: Mosquitos
I don’t have many memories of my grandmother. Being a military kid and moving around from place-to-place on a pretty regular basis kept me away from extended family, but every now and again we’d go visit them in North Carolina. They lived in a beautiful house by a lake, and I spent a good amount of time fishing there. I was also being bitten by mosquitos and other bugs that hang around water. I asked my grandma about it once and she said that mosquitos bite me because I’m sweet. Such a fantastic grandmother answer. When I was a kid I was content with it, because she was my grandma. I even went on to draw a comic book honoring the mosquito, called “The Radioactive Mosquito”. That fucker was a badass too, he could shoot radiation out of his eyes AND whoop that ass with his sword-nose. You don’t fuck with the radioactive mosquito, boyyyee. But that is neither here nor there. Grandma, I love ya, but you were wrong. Mosquitos don’t bite me because I’m sweet, they bite me because they’re assholes.
Nature is a dick, I think we can all agree on that by now. She throws endless amounts of natural disasters our way, makes our lives uncomfortable, and has a special talent for finding interesting ways to kill human beings. One of the most effective and shittiest of ways is the tiny, flying fuckface that is the mosquito. Mosquitos are all over the world, anywhere that there is water (which is fucking everywhere, thanks to rain) and the reason why -according to scientists, don’t pin this bullshit on me- they bite humans is to get some blood, fly off and make their eggs. Whatever, science. They fucking bite us to make us itchy and then make us die from goddamn Malaria. Nature equipped the mosquito with a fucking syringe on its stupid face, making it a portable Jihad-terrorist-biological-warfare-motherfucker. The mosquito bites, injects its spit and diseases, and then flies off like a twat to go hang out in the shade, leaving humans itchier than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina/taint combo meal. And then, if you’re one of the lucky assholes living in certain parts of the world, you get to play disease bingo with nature. Maybe you won’t catch Malaria, but there is still a decent chance for you to pick up some sweet Yellow Fever or West Nile Virus, both of which not only have their own plethora of shitty symptoms, but can cause swelling of the brain (encephalitis) which leads to a very painful death.
Unless somewhere there is a Queen Mosquito, and if you kill her, all of her brood dies, humanity can’t defeat the mosquito invasion. There are just too fucking many. Fortunately, our badass American Army came up with DEET. DEET is commonly found in most bug repellants nowadays, and it basically is a neurotoxin for mosquitos. Even if it doesn’t kill’em, they don’t like the smell, AND it confuses their senses. Basically, you spray some DEET, and the mosquitos that are looking for you turn into a bunch of tiny, blood-sucking Helen Keller’s. There are also mosquito traps that emit carbon dioxide, and mosquitos fly in’em and die, which is pretty badass. I, myself, prefer the old fashioned slap-and-splatter. It’s effective, it’s messy, it’s satisfying. And, I personally like to pretend that every single mosquito I kill is that faggy Twilight vampire asshole. Hey Robert Pattinson, your hair makes you look like Wolverine’s gay brother. *SLAP* And now you’re dead.
Fuck you, nature.