Today in F-You Nature: Humidity
When I enlisted in the military, I was living in Tucson, AZ. I hadn’t lived there all my life, but for the majority, so I was fairly well-versed in dealing with heat. Real heat, like up to 120-somethin degrees. And honestly, it isn’t terrible. It sucks if you have to be doing yardwork or something like that, but it’s something easily dealt with if you have access to a pool, or a swamp cooler, some kind of gay looking, long brimmed, safari hat, or even a damn tall cactus to stand near. You don’t really have to worry about bugs until night time, when it cools down, mostly because I think they spontaneously combust in the heat or something. I dunno, I’m not a scientist. I honestly don’t care, I was always just content to not have to look at them in daylight. Anyways, the point I’m trying to get across is that it’s fucking hot in AZ. So, when I was heading on my way to San Antonio, TX in June, I wasn’t too worried about it. Until I got there. Holy. Fucking. Shit. Are you kidding me nature? As SOON as my plane landed, the windows started fogging up. Yeah, in the airplane. I was always under the impression that those things were pretty well climate controlled, but nature doesn’t give a shit about that. Fuck no it doesn’t. If you are going to be hanging out near the equator, what I’m assuming is about where Mother Nature’s saggy tits hang down to, you get to suffer. Let’s just say that running around like an asshole constantly during boot camp at a place where the humidity index is higher than the entire cast of “The Jersey Shore” sucks a bag of dicks.
Humidity is natures way of making human beings feel like they’re constantly being squeezed out of a giant, steamy vagina. It’s hot, it’s damp, and for some reason it always smells like placenta. Fuckin gross. And not only is humidity extremely uncomfortable, but it can cause you to uh…ya know…die. It’s true. Like I said, I’m not a scientist, but I know a little about how not to die. First off, when human beings get hot, they sweat. That’s how the human body releases heat. Nature knows that shit, that’s why it enabled humidity to make sure that when we sweat, it doesn’t evaporate, so our bodies stay hot. What does that mean? It means that under certain shitty conditions, you might get to enjoy your 106 degree hyperpyrexia fever in the hospital. If your blood doesn’t boil and your brain doesn’t cook itself to the point of brain-splosion, you can rest assure that you will be thirsty as a shaggy camel chewing on your own nutsack. And still uncomfortable as hell, because unless you were airlifted away from the fucking equator, it will still be humid as shit at whichever hospital you’re dying in.
As if killing you isn’t enough, humidity also enjoys fucking with your fashion sense. Now, I’m not a fashionable guy by any means. Dressing up in the military was easy, because I always knew what to wear. Now that I’m a civilian, dressing up means wearing blue jeans that don’t have holes in them. Most people, though, care about how they look. Especially women and assholes from New Jersey. My friend Tara was telling me that it takes like an hour to do her hair, and as soon as she walks outside, humidity turns her head into some kind of Yinzer afro. I don’t know about all that, but I have often wondered why some people look like they have sweaty pubes slicked down on their heads, and I’m assuming humidity is to blame for that shit too. One time, when I was feeding the pythons at the gym, I overheard a couple of spray-tanned dingleberries bitching because it was too humid in the gym (which did suck) and it was fucking up their hair. My first instinct was to take those UnderArmour wearing fuckfaces outside and pummel them to death with the dildos that they use as chew toys and then steal the Ray-Ban sunglasses that they’re wearing in the gym, but another effect of humidity, is that it makes humans tired, lethargic, and basically weak. So, nature can be blamed for those 2 assclowns still skittering around on this planet, not me.
Fuck you, nature.