Today in F-You Nature: Sugar
When I was a kid, I was rarely allowed to drink soda. Every now and then I’d get a delicious treat if I had to go to the doctor or didn’t get lunch or my dad was throwing a BBQ for family friends and coworkers and stuff. I remember how happy I would be, drinking my orange soda. It was like nectar straight from Jesus. My love for sugar grew, as my mom kinda went organic on my siblings and I…Do you know what carob is? If sugar is a gift from Heaven, carob is a blight from Hell. Holy fucking shit, carob sucks. And the worst thing is, that it looks identical to chocolate and the same consistency as chocolate, but it tastes like a bitter titty. Yeah. It is fucking terrible. Anyways, as the organic stuff in my house grew, I became more desperate for something delicious. Because of my need for sugar, I stupidly ate a heaping spoonful of fucking Crisco, thinking that it would taste like whipped cream, and took a shot of vanilla extract, because it smells so fucking good. Maybe I was a dumb kid, which is probably the case. Or maybe nature wanted to fuck me in the ass without asking at a young age. I’m going with a little of column A, a little of column B. But still, fuck nature.
Nature is basically a fucking drug dealer. “Hey brah, try some sugar! First sample is free,” says Nature. What you don’t know is that nature just implanted its seed of addiction deep within your tastebuds’ vaginas. And sugar is way worse than crack. First off, you can get physically addicted to it, which is bullshit, because if you eat too much of it, you get fat. And dia-fucking-betes. If you’re a fatass, you better start making up some sweet war stories now, because if you’re telling people that you only have 1 foot because you couldn’t stop eating donuts and shit…well, you might as well just join the fucking circus. Yeah you obviously get addicted to crack, but at least if you’re smoking crack, you get that gaunt, skinny, gross Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen look that is so popular these days (I don’t know which one of those freaks has the eating problem, they both look like E.T’s retarded siblings to me) and some abs before you find some alley doctor to get them removed to sell for more crack. Once you’ve tried sugar, you can’t win. You’re either going to be a fatty with a sweaty, fat taint, bulging so fattily that it looks like you’re wearing adult diapers at the age of 30, and with so much extra flabby skin that it makes your arms look like they have titty-wings, or you’re going to be suffering from low blood sugar. Which means headaches, crankiness, body aches, and any other shitty ache you can think of, that can only be cured by eating a cupcake.
Sugar is also in EVERYTHING. Even if you’re eating something that you think is sugarless, a potato for example, nature went and fucked you. Nature found a way to get humanities dumbasses fucked all naturally. My ma is allergic to gluten, so she can’t eat bread and basically anything with wheat in it. Sucks, because that is pretty much everything delicious. She eats a lot of potatoes and stuff like that. WELL guess what: potatoes are carbohydrates. And nature made sure that carbs turn into sugar. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, if you’re sitting there reading this, eating your raw fucking potato trying to be healthy, but eating carbs also leads to diabetes. Enjoy your 1 legged existence. Hey, maybe you should eat some fruit instead? JK, THAT SHIT IS CHOCK FULL OF SUGAR. Stupid fucking nature.
Obviously there is balance in the form of exercise, and I love exercise, but due to the American lifestyle that is working 10 hours per day on your ass, and then going home to eat leftovers and watch American Idol…Wait, actually, you know what? I’m not going to blame all of humanity. Yeah, there are some of those inbred Alabama assholes that eat beehives and drink syrup while they’re fucking their sisters in the electronics section of K-Mart, but I’m still going to blame nature. My friend Chris Davalos loves to run, and because of him being insane, that fucker is free to eat all of the Pizza Bagels and drink all of the Mountain Dew he wants, until nature tosses him the big dick slap, and his metabolism finally slows down. And then he’ll be sitting next to me, and we can talk about how awesome it was to eat ice cream cake, in our wheelchairs.
Fuck you, nature.