This Week in F-You Nature: Jellyfish
Several years ago, a bunch of friends and I went to the beach in Mexico. My best friend’s family owns a house down in Puerto Penasco, beautiful place. Anyways, I was so stoked. I remember pulling up to the house and getting out of the car, and hearing the sounds of the waves rolling back and forth on and off of the beach. The hot sand beneath my feet, the cold Mexican beers, all of my good friends were there: it was basically heaven. Until one day, some girl that we met thought it would be cute or flirty or whatever the fuck teenage girls think they’re doing when they’re being annoying, to steal my hat and scamper off into the ocean. She was hot, and I was mildly inebriated and 17, so of course I chased her. What I didn’t know was that not only was she a track runner, so her endurance was super awesome, but she was also on the goddamn swim team at her school. I’m dog paddling waaaay the f out to go get her, she’s taunting me by allegedly pissing in my hat and swimming circles around me like a fucking mermaid until she gets bored by my lack of swim technique, so she heads back to shore while I’m essentially drowning in Mexico.
So, I finally wash up onto shore into a patch of seaweed. Whatever, I didn’t care at that point, at least I’m not sucking in salt water and what I’m sure was a ton of fish piss. And then, the burning started. Apparently, when there are storms out in the middle of the ocean, jellyfish get torn to little pieces of flesh-searing fuckery, and roll onto the shore with seaweed. I didn’t know what was going on, but I was drunk, exhausted, sun-stroked, pissed off, and now fluctuating with a burning/itching sensation. Yea, awesome. Thanks for kicking me in the dick with this one, nature. I didn’t even get to bang the hooker that stole my hat, probably due to the fact that my stomach and chest looked like it was covered in STD’s, which is bullshit.
Jellyfish shouldn’t be alive. I don’t say that in contempt, it’s a fucking fact of nature. They don’t have a brain, heart or bones. And it reproduces by fucking itself. Basically the whole purpose of their shitty existence is to sting stuff until it dies, and then maybe eat it. Or maybe not. Whatever jellyfish is feeling like at the moment. And only nature would see fit to give one of its minions the ability to make human beings feel like they have herpes. Essentially, jellyfish are like nature’s version of Ke$ha. (Kesha? Whatever, the dirty whore that sings “Tik Tok”) It looks sticky, it floats around like a mildly retarded fuck-face, and if it touches you, you get to enjoy nature-herpes for the next 4-6 hours or so.
Fuck you, nature.