To Rehash the First Battle
My good friend Z (no, that’s not her full name, stupid) – (it’s Agent Z) requested that I go back to where this all started: your favorite brah peeing in a river. And who am I to deny such an awesome request? Exactly. So, without further adieu, I give you Mission 1.
<0900, 23 May 2011>
My heart goes out to the latest tornado victims. Nature is whoopin our ass this year, time to get revenge…gonna go piss in a river. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.
<1100, 23 May 2011>
Returning from assault on river with duck bites on my pecker and a sprained middle finger. After the ducks tasted man-flesh, no amount of crackers would sate them. Well played nature, must regroup and plan. Will keep you guys updated.
<1233, 23 May 2011>
To be effective against nature, I must somehow occupy its animal guardians. Going to burn down some bread factories and fish hatcheries. Enjoy your hunger pangs, ducks. Will keep you all updated on the mission.
<1245, 23 May 2011>
Mission a disaster, nature super pissed. Explanations later.
<1400, 23 May 2011>
Went to bread factory to attack duck food source, smoke from torch angered unseen bees. Stung severely, attempted to appease bees with John Denver mixtape. Large deer ran out of woods, knocked me down, and ran off with jambox. Stand by for update.
<1000, 24 May 2011>
Yesterday nature attacked my brother, Lee Robinson, with a tornado-chase. Today I must allow no number of ducks or bees dissuade me from my mission of peeing in a river. Prepare to be sullied, nature.
<1230, 24 May 2011>
Verbally accosted fat, horrible yinzer neighbor until he wept onto a box of saltines. Used tear-saturated crackers to lure ducks from river. Successfully tainted river with urine stream of glory for Lee and Amy. Fled like Frenchman to random outhouse. Waiting for escape opportunity. Smells like Justin Bieber’s virginity in here. Will update later.
<1423, 24 May 2011>
River is quiet now. Poked my head out of abandoned Porto-Potty, startled a disgustingly cute rabbit with big, cute eyes. Punched cute rabbit in the face. Currently skulking through woods on mission to recover stolen jambox. Smell like burnt turds and cat food from being locked in porto potty, hope stink doesnt give position away. Will update when uh…updates occur.
<1504, 24 May 2011>
Was chased up tree by gaggle of cute, furious rabbits. Will update later.
<1755, 24 May 2011>
Fell asleep in tree after escaping angry rabbits. Woke up to the “Lion King” soundtrack playing. I must be getting close to my stolen jambox. Will report more later.
Annnnnd that was basically the end of it. No, I still haven’t recovered my jambox from that goddamn deer. By name I’m sure it’s covered in deer shit and sticks and stuff. A rescue mission will happen, when I have the time. I’ll keep you guys posted. ANYWAYS, thanks for reliving the past with me. I’m going to start a new section of this blog at some point today, called “This Week in ‘Fuck You, Nature'”. It’ll be awesome, check it out when it’s up.